There is a lot of Christmas cheer happening all around, but right now I’m trying to survive. I might not be the Grinch, but I am not spreading great joy either, maybe I need to figure out where I fall on the Grinch scale.
At my house, the Christmas tree and decorations come up the weekend after Thanksgiving. That’s when we get ready for Christmas, then come the presents – one of my favorite parts about Christmas – and then we wait for Christmas day. That’s it! No Advent, no cookies, no baking, no sweet memories of Christmas joy. This year I’m trying to get Christmas cards sent out (which makes me a Christmas card hypocrite because I love getting Christmas cards and look forward to opening my mail during this time of the year).
It’s not that I don’t want to go all out, or maybe I do, I don’t know, I might be a Grinch, but I just don’t have the energy to do it. Winter season is also sick season, so we’ve already gone through plenty of rounds of antibiotics, whooping cough, sinus infections, and the stomach bug. My youngest daughter was out of school for almost 5 weeks; because she has Down syndrome her immune system struggles during winter and anything that’s out there, she gets it.
My middle daughter is going through some tough times, and we have had very little sleep around here. Trauma affects everyone in the family, and you never know what will trigger a set back. My husband was watching a basketball game and Bethany Hamilton (the surfer who lost an arm) was on TV. She was happy and smiling, but this triggered something in my daughter and she is beyond terrified, of Bethany? Of loosing an arm? Of the shark? We don’t know, and neither does she. There is no way to reason over trauma. This is hard. Her trauma brain is in full wing and we are all feeling it. We are all living with trauma right now.
And in the midst of this there is Christmas and the pressure to have great joy…
I think right now I definitely fall within the Grinch scale.
I do believe Advent is a great way to remember why we celebrate Christmas, but I also know that God knows my heart, and He wants me to love Him now and in January, and February, and March, and every month of the year. And especially now in the midst of life, not in the midst of the “Christmas season” but in the midst of the messy and the hard.
So while my friends post about the adventures of the Elf on the Shelf; while others bake cookies, make fudge, and other delicious Christmas treats; while creative geniuses find meaningful ways to count down to Christmas; while there are crafts and stories to remind children about the birth of Christ; I am struggling to keep my house picked up, the laundry caught up so everyone can have clean underwear, and I cannot remember the last time I changed the sheets in the girls’ rooms.
And let’s hope I do get those Christmas cards in the mail before the 25th.
Instead, I sit down by the soft glow of the lights on the Christmas tree sipping hot cider, enjoying this last week as the kids are in school and I get a little respite. And it’s good. And I feel blessed. And I think about the miracle of God becoming flesh, coming to this earth so that He could save me.
Soon, we will visit with extended family and rejoice in the fact that we love each other and we get to do life together.
Maybe there is hope for this Grinch after all.
But on the meantime, from my family to yours:
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I completely feel your GrinchyNess, I perhaps feel more. My Daughter Arianna just got better went to school for 2 days and now has a stomach bug. Although how you feel is completely legitimate,enjoy leaving your home to actually visit family…hope we can do the same one day. I know what you mean about the cards too:), “would it kill you to send me a card”passes through my mind.
At any rate wishing you a Christmas that’s Merry and Bright!
We had something similar happen, went back to school for a day or two and she was out again, it happened twice 🙁
Merry Christmas!
Love your honesty!
I have been trying to figure out how other Moms can have clean houses and play dates and all the things I can’t seem to fit in…and feeling Grinchy about my mess…and then one kid was jumping (literally!) for joy because he got 3 candy canes at church and he got to give 2 of them away…sometimes, the true spirit of the holiday is in the simplest act, and not all the trimmings…so, we’ll share a few candy canes, and sing lots of Christmas songs because music calms the trauma reactions at our house…and we’ll decorate in the midst of the mess, and have cluttered Christmas here.
Don’t worry about not feeling merry–your loving Mama’s heart bears burdens for your kids and helps them grow through their daily trials as God shapes them for His Glory.
I love that he gets such great joy in sharing! Have a Merry Christmas!
Christmas is about family… and you are taking care of your family as priority one.
I personally don’t see any “Grinch” in that.
Merry Christmas!
Thank you! Merry Christmas to you!
I can relate to your story. . I just try to surrender each day. and do what I can . Sometimes it is the bare minimum. My mother went home to the Father on Mother’s day. I have a pain and joy in my heart. Both my adopted daughters with disabilities are struggling . the eldest had a psychiatric admission in November and is settling out. this impacts the whole family. My younger is exhibiting grief over her sister and other losses . she has is having panic attacks related to her early years in the orphanage. She is so clingy and fearful of loosing me. I to sit quietly and look at my tree or read a devotional or blog I follow .I listen to Christmas carols and remember the season and hope. Great family picture. Merry Christmas – Feliz Navidad
Michelle, I am so sorry for your loss. I was talking to Nina’s therapist today and how challenging the Holidays are for our kids, especially those with trauma, it triggers something in them. I am praying for you and your family!
Your honesty touches my heart as do so many of your posts.
You don’t wait for one special time of year to share joy, hope, and encouragement but rather share it daily. Thank you for having the spirit of Christmas all year round.