I don’t miss my kids when they are in school. On the contrary, I look forward to my time alone.
A bigger confession? I look forward to next school year, when my baby will be in Kindergarten and I will have until 3:00 pm each day. All. To. Myself. When that time comes, it will be after 8 years of having kids around me for most of my day.
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I love my children. I love being a mom. The greatest joys, pleasures, and purpose in my life have come from this beautiful gift of being a mom. I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world. Love abounds in our house and we have created some beautiful memories, but I really, really look forward to having time to be…me.
This is not something new. Since our oldest was a baby, my husband and I used babysitters regularly. Every anniversary we have taken at least a couple of nights away from the kids. To us, our marriage is a priority and we have invested in our marriage. We really believe that by being connected, we are better parents. I had a friend once ask me if I liked my kids, since I could so easily leave them and take extended time with my husband. Yes, I really do like them, I love them. I actually know I am a better mom to them because my husband and I are a great team, and to be a great team, we have to be connected. I don’t do well connecting with him with 3 kids demanding for our attention. I mean, I want to talk to my husband about dreams, hopes, longings and not just the children!
But I digress. I just don’t miss my kids when they are in school. All 3 of them love school, Andy and I are pretty involved in their school, we are in there often (so thankful the school has opened up their arms and invited us in). It’s just nice to have time to do what I want to do or what I need to do without “extra help.” Because really, I have 2 kids with special needs.
And it is really not about being a special needs mom, because to me that is our “normal.”
It’s really all about ME time. I like it. I love it. And yes, I want more!
So while other moms out there miss their kids while they are in school, I sit down and sip a cup of decaf coffee and I think, “It is so nice to be alone!”
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Amen!
…but its great when they burst through he front door after being away all day.
I agree with what you are saying. In regards to your statement about prioritizing and investing in your marriage, I agree there as well. However, I think it’s important to realize that using sitters or going away for a few days are not the only way to prioritize or invest in your marriage. I don’t necessarily think you are saying they are. It sounds like you are just saying that for you guys, it’s the way you’ve chosen to handle the details of making that time a priority. But it also kind sounds like “we use sitters and go away because that is the way one prioritizes marriage”. Just the drawback of written communication.
It’s not the only way. We have never used sitters with our toddler/preschool age kids. We also make our marriage a priority and are invested in it. We’ve just done it without sitters or going away. We feel like God has called us to an important role as parents, and that it is an irreplaceable role. Through prayer we’ve discerned that we shouldn’t use sitters, and especially shouldn’t go away while we have little kids. And while he has also called us to an important role as spouses, we just have to be a little bit more creative with how we work out the details.
I commend you for prioritizing your marriage. There is a sore lack of this in the world today! I think what’s important is that people turn to God in the big picture as well as the details.
Hi Christy, thanks for pointing out that detail. I went back to read my post to make sure it did not come across as if I was saying that is the only way to prioritize a marriage. So yes, you are right, I said that is the way my husband and I have done it. Although I don’t think that is the only way, I do strongly encourage couples to spend time away from their children, so I do think that is the sentiment you “heard” as you read my words.
Now that we live in a new town, we do not have the connections and family relationships we had a year and a half ago. Date nights are rare and the last time we took time away from our kids overnight was our last anniversary (almost a year ago). Now that we don’t have that option like we did before, we have to be even more intentional about our face-to-face time. This has also made me see the importance of our time away even more so.
The friend that asked, “Do you even like your kids” comes from the same “side of the fence” you come from. To her, I responded back, “Do you even like your husband.” This actually became a joke between the two of us because it made us really come to terms and understand that our family dynamics and our personalities are incredibly different, so we had no business “judging” the other. I am not sure she would even enjoy the time with her husband because she would be thinking about the kids all the time. So would that be quality time together? I doubt it. On the same token, I think she recognized that when my kids are around (even if they are sleeping) I am in “mommy mode” and I don’t do as well as connecting with my husband.
I believe all families and all marriages are different and they have unique needs. For us, this is a need in our marriage and I love the fact that other people are willing to invest time in our girls.
All that to say, I think we can all learn from each other. I could really glean some great insights from talking to people like you, because I do need to learn to connect with my husband without having to go out, and because that could easily become an excuse not to invest in our marriage. Actually, I think this is a core problem in many marriages once kids are added in the picture. It takes a lot of energy and hard work to parent and then still be intentional about finding ways to make the marriage a priority. On the same hand, I do think it would be good for couples to ask the grandparents to watch the kids so they can go out for dinner and maybe even sneak in a movie, all parents need some time away from their kids, at least once in a while 😉
Good post, Ellen. And a good reminder that the husband-wife relationship is an important priority. That’s NOT to say that our kids are not a priority…of course they are. Time to connect with one’s spouse is essential if a marriage is going to stay strong.
And Michael, you know that as parents of kids with special needs we have even more odds stacked against us. 50% of marriages end up in divorce, but the most recent stat says that chances of divorce go up to 80% if there are kids with special needs! Astounding!