I swear that since the day my babies were born, when I put them in bed at night, I picked them up the next morning and they were still babies. So how is it that all of a sudden my little girl has wriggled out of her skin and shed the “little?” She is growing, changing in different ways.

I am not ready for the growing up. Not one bit. I want to grab her and stuff her back inside the “little girl.” Tell her it isn’t fair that she is growing up so fast, that I can barely hold on to time, and I just don’t know how to handle the changes.

Suddenly I am thinking of water – running water – a steady stream pouring out. So fluid. I am trying my best to keep it cupped between my hands, yet I can feel it running, slipping, streaming through my fingers. My little girl is growing up with each drop of time.  Drops of time

Thank goodness she still likes to play with dolls, but her play has changed: her dolls act older, they care about their clothes, their hair, they are hurt by their friends. Princess stories have been exchanged for American Girl stories, and she is learning about slavery, child labor, and what life was like for girls in other countries and at different times. She spends hours in her room reading, or writing her own stories.

When she plays Just Dance Disney, she no longer chooses the songs for Disney movies. Instead, she prefers the songs from Disney Channel, the songs for shows that have teenagers as the main characters instead of princesses.  And she wants to watch those shows! I know she is disappointed we have said no to those shows. But kids now a days don’t stay innocent very long, they care about boyfriends and girlfriends and kissing at an age when they should be worried about being good at hop scotch or building the perfect doll house out of cardboard and scraps.

I can see the growing up because she is taller, and I also see it in her face, and even with the missing front teeth I can picture what she will look like when she is fifteen.  I know one day too soon a boy will notice her smile, or how big and blue her eyes are. And I don’t even want to think of the day she notices that boys are not just annoying or ridiculous, but they are cute too.

When she was a little kid, there was a clear line of boundaries, of independence, of privileges. Now the line begins to get blurred. And it scares me, it scares me that I don’t know what to do. That I don’t know how to handle the changes, the moods, the drama! Mostly, I am not ready for the growing up because I am afraid to mess up as her mother.

All I know, is that I have to be intentional with the time I spend with her. I need to be sensitive to her feelings and acknowledge them. Maybe sometimes I need to tell her this is all new to me too, and I don’t know what to do, and that we need to pray and ask God to help us figure it out.

And so I trust that God will guide me, because this parenting job keeps getting bigger and bigger. Sometimes, it feels so big it is overwhelming.

I am not ready for the growing up, but she is. So I try to catch my bearings, invite God do this with me because I need Him, and I continue to enjoy raising my precious child…even while my legs are shaking.