It happens, a kid plays with a child with a disability and the parents are proud, they want to praise that friendship and you might hear statements like, “Oh honey, you are so wonderful!” “You are the kindest person I know!” “You are the sweetest thing!” “You have a heart of gold!” “I’m so proud of you!”
Yes, it’s true, not every child takes the time to slow down and play with kids like mine (I have a child with Down syndrome and one with cerebral palsy), I’m aware of that, so when your kid plays with mine it makes me smile. I’m so thankful for your son or daughter. And I want to encourage that friendship, I think you do too.
But can I be honest with you? I don’t want you to feel bad here, but I hope you can see what some of those statements say to me, as the parent of a child with a disability, and what they communicate to my kids too. When you say your kid is great because he/she chose to play with mine, at that very moment, your child went from seeing just another friend, to seeing kids like mine as different, as someone defined by their disability, as someone who is somehow flawed, and only an exceptional person plays with them or becomes their friend. I know that is not what you are trying to communicate, I know that, but unfortunately, it does.
You encourage your children to be friends with everyone and to embrace differences, thank you! Unfortunately, with statements of praise of how exceptional they are for playing with my kid, you might be communicating two things:
1. The friendship is all about your child and how wonderful they are, the friend with the disability becomes the outward display of that greatness.
2. It teaches a mentality that separates and makes those with a disability appear as less than those without disabilities , “they are the disabled, they are different, poor them, we should help them.”
Suddenly, I feel as if your child playing with mine is more about pity rather than a real friendship.
Would you praise your child like that for playing with a typically developing kid? Probably not. My middle daughter is pretty aware of that fact and has said, “Why can’t people see me as a person! Nobody is praising my sister’s friends for playing with her!”
Our words are so powerful. They shape our kids, their attitudes, their perceptions.
We all want to show our kids we’re proud, we want to encourage them when we see positive traits in them. But playing with a child who has a disability should not be seen as heroic or exceptional. Be proud because they see a friend first and not the disability, please help them to keep it that way. You can do that by avoiding the praise and instead asking questions about their friendship, questions that sound more like, “I saw you playing with Nichole, what were the two of you playing?” “Hey, you were making Carlos laugh, were you telling him your new knock-knock jokes?” “What was your favorite thing about playing with Micah?”
Is it okay to ever bring up the differences? If appropriate, yes! Your child might even ask you why, for example, my daughter who has Down syndrome is hard to understand when she talks. Believe me, if your kids have questions, they’ll ask! But it’s very different for a parent to say, “You are so wonderful for playing with Nina because she has cerebral palsy,” as opposed to saying, “Hey buddy, did you ask Nina if she wanted to play tag again? I noticed she was really tired and having a hard time keeping up.”
Let’s teach our kids that playing with other kids, even those with a disability, is about friendship. Genuine friendship. If you want to praise your kid for being a good friend, then praise them for the same reasons you would praise them for positive interactions with any friend of any ability.
“You are the kindest person I know, you gave Charlie your last piece of candy!”
“Oh honey, you’re so wonderful, I loved that song you were singing for Tina, you made her smile and you made me smile even bigger! Will you sing that for me again?”
“You are the sweetest thing, you know? I love how you treat all your friends with kindness.”
“You have a heart of gold, I would have been mad if my friend had laughed at me, but you just laughed it off and kept on playing.”
These are the qualities we need to be cultivating in our kids.
And follow in your child’s lead, make a new friend, maybe even someone with a disability. No, you will not be an exceptional person for doing that, you will just be a little bit richer for having a new friend.
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Hi Ellen,
I loved this piece so much, and it spoke directly to my heart. I shared it on Facebook too, because it was really something all other parents need to read. Every time a parent or other child does this, I cringe. And it seems to happen all the time. A little girl recently said to me that she plays with my daughter all the time at recess and then stood there beaming like she was waiting for a medal. I know in my heart she was not being rude, but it still breaks my heart for my daughter who heard the exchange. She thinks they are just friends, but now there is almost a price to it.
Good work. Much love.
Patty
We are now dealing with Nina being aware some kids do “pity” her, and she does not like it one bit. After four years in the same school we have seen the change, from friendship, to now some kids think they have to “take care” of her. Even talking to her like a baby! I’ve been right there with her as kids come and ask her, “Can I get a hug?” What?!?!? And they do a baby voice to her, and they are the same age! It hurts her heart, it hurts mine.
Thank you for sharing your thoughts and heart on this. My son has cerebral palsy. I feel the same way as you do. Andrew’s cp is mild and he is only in 2nd grade, so kids are just starting to get to the point you describe. It hurts my heart as well…and sends my brain into a frenzy of trying to figure out the best way to counteract this for my child…before it happens.
Our kids are the same age Kellie. For us, the older she gets the harder it’s become 🙁
Agreed completely!
Hi Ellen. I would really like to share this piece on the Matan blog. You can learn more about Matan here: http://www.matankids.org/mission-statement/ May I have your permission to repost this piece? Thanks, Lisa
Lisa, thanks for leaving a message. Let’s talk, could you send me an email? ellen at ellenstumbo dot com
Just to play devil’s advocate here, aren’t we supposed to teach our children to play nicely? Maybe someone who is praising their child is doing so because they are being polite or sharing and using good behavior? Maybe it has nothing to do with your child’s disability and everything to do with teaching their child social skills. Personally I will praise and encourage my children no matter who they are playing with because we are “color-blind” when it comes to race, religion, disability, gender, etc.
Sara, you are not playing devil’s advocate, you are saying exactly what I am saying here, praise your kid for good behavior: because they are playing nice, because they are being kind, they are sharing, but not because they are playing with the kid who has a disability and that becomes the reason for praising them.
The comment
”
Would you praise your child like that for playing with a typically developing kid? Probably not.”
Crock of poo.
Parents praise their kids for doing it all the time, the fact that YOU take exception and think they are only being praised because they happen to be playing with your different ability child is something you need to deal with. If you are listening to the praise and twisting it to hear it that way, maybe you need a boost of self confidence in yourself. Your child only hears it this way because they read into it what they are taught..
Maybe sometimes kids don’t want to play with your child for some other reason that has nothing to do with abilities. Some kids like to play alone, are shy and don’t know how to join others in, haven’t been taught enough patience. or just prefer a certain type of personality in another child.
Just my opinion.
Jonelle, you are quite right in saying that often times those praises have nothing to do with the fact that my kids have a disability, you are 100% right about that and those are the moments that we cherish, they do happen more often than not. But know that if I’m writing about this, it’s because our family (and many other families who have children with disabilities) have experienced this, actual comments (even said to us) that are directly related to the greatness of their children because they choose to play with a child who has a disability. .
I agree with Ellen here ladies. There IS or can be a difference between what parents say when praising their children for how or when they play with neurotypical kids, versus when they play with children with a disability. Not ALAWAYS, but often. I have been on both sides of this coin- my son has ASD and I have listened to parents praise their children for playing with mine, or worse, I have listened to friends of mine praise their children for playing with kids with ASD to me with the moral of the story being “see, I have taught my child to be charitable to kids like yours”, and felt the degrading effect. I have, admittedly, also been the mother who has praised my ASD child for building a friendship with a peer that has Downs. Ellen’s post really made me look harder at what I am saying to my children when I say things like, “I am so proud of you for playing with M, you are a sweet and kind boy.” Because you know what? I am doing exactly what Ellen says I am doing- I am praising my child for “stooping” to play with a disabled kid- as if they have any less valid claim for my child’s friendship. I don’t mean it in a negative way, I am proud of my son and I love his kindness, but the fact remains that by praising him in this way I am creating a disparity in the relationship that my son never saw as existing before I pointed it out. Ellen isn’t attacking the INTENT of parents who praise their kids in this way, she is simply pointing out the unintended consequences. In the future, I will be much more conscious to tell my children things like “I am proud of you for making sure that your friends feel safe and comfortable when you are with them, good friends look out for each other and you did a great job of this today” or “it isn’t easy to teach someone to do something new, but when you took the time to teach M how to give you knuckles you made him really happy and you made me happy too because you showed a lot of patience and didn’t give up or put him down when he didn’t get it right the first time” I am also going to share this post with my friends in the hopes that they do the same.
While I think “crock of poo” might be a bit harsh, I find the same thing. I wouldn’t tell my child thank you for playing with a child with a disability to make it seem like they are “stooping” to any level, but that my child saw a need an filled it. If I said, “Thank you for playing with that boy you saw sitting alone over there” is that pointing out differences? Am I calling that shy child “less than”? Or am I praising my kid for doing what he wishes may have been done for him? Have you ever been nice to a mom dragging a brood of kids around a store while some of them are screaming and the other half are giving her a hard time because you look down on her or because you’ve BEEN THERE? Developmentally different or not, kids get left out by their peers for various reasons. All of them. I will continue to draw attention the fact that my kid sees that someone is being left out for X reason and is showing by example that he won’t stand for that.
Kids aren’t dumb. They know other kids are different. It’s not like us saying so is shocking to them, they’re way more honest about it than most adults. I find that a lot of parents of developmentally different kids have a major chip on their shoulder when it comes to their kid, which I understand. We are pretty sure my son is on the spectrum and he has kids give him OMG faces and straight up walk away from him all the time when he tries to engage them. I understand what the point of this is, and I sympathize, but it seems to come from a place of hurt which is the responsibility of the person who has the feeling. No one is going out of their way to be mean, and that is even acknowledged. Everyone has to deal with hurt feelings their whole life, and we simply cannot bend everyone else to our preferences along the way or we’ll make ourselves miserable.
i know this is old, but come on. we have all seen the “boy asks poor disabled girl to prom and he has a heart of gold for doing so” news articles..THIS is what shes talking about. seriously, people do that to me too, act like their child is some angel sent from heaven, because they spent a few minutes playing with my disabled child.
I don’t have any children but my best friends daughter has Downs and I don’t think I could love her anymore than if she were my own. She is 3 1\2 and I have always thought it was so sweet and precious when other kids played with her and tried to help her. However, after reading this article I have a bit of a different take on it. She is still too young to understand that she is different, or to even understand prejudice at all but after reading this I now get it so much more clearly. I’m a teacher and she will be going to my school next year and this has motivated me to be so much more of an advocate for her just being her. Hopefully now I can explain to the kids in a much clearer way about just being nice to EVERYONE!
Maegan, you sound like a great friend and teacher!
Thank you for this!! As a mum of 4…3 whom have complex special needs I HEAR YOU!! Crying as Iam reading this. Our extra special kids don’t have kids who want to play with them..when they were toddlers I would have “friends” do these forced play dates and praise the hell out of their kids for playing with “those” children. So I stopped that but now they don’t get invited to play dates because they are too challenging for the parents. This is equally heartbreaking 🙁
Mary, I can relate to that, my girls have friends they play with at school, but they don’t really have friends outside of school. My youngest (who has Down syndrome) has one friend at church, another girl with special needs. So when typical kids play with kids like mine, it is rare, and I love it! I love that they are all being kids, I think that is why I cringe when the praise goes to the fact that my kid has a disability, and not just the fact that they have a new friend.
Thanks, Ellen.
I wish someone had said this to parents when I was growing up.
Wow – this is spot on. I’ve always felt a bit icky about that weird inequality in those relationships. I really appreciate how you gave examples of how to praise your child. Being kind and sharing and thoughtful etc should be praised no matter who you’re being kind to etc.
Thank-you for putting this out there.
Heather
I saw this piece because someone posted it on Facebook, and below was my response. But let me start by saying, I DO know what it’s like to have the “different” kid… the kid whose teacher called because he was under his desk rocking and then was mute for hours after. The kid whose fixation is fighter planes, and is always using his hands to act out the scenes he sees in his head when he’s “bombing the Chinese.” I know what it’s like to have a deep, unfailing, abiding love for a little boy who at nine, cannot sit through church because of the noise, and runs away crying because of it… I know what it is like to walk into the grocery store with a kid who is wearing headphones and carrying a blanket over his head – and I know the looks and glances from those who do not understand… Now that I have my “justification” out there, this is what I said:
As the mother of two with Autism (my only bio kids), and three without (my adopted kids), I don’t necessarily mind the things people say. But I’m old(er) and I have gotten past the years when I know I would have been offended. Now I see it as the opportunity to educate, I guess.
I prepare my kids for every situation we are about to encounter – so does that make me one of those moms? Maybe. Partly that comes from years of conditioning so my kids on the spectrum were not caught off-guard and don’t melt down. But if we’re going to see a friend or relative whose kid has a disability different from their own, I prepare my kids in advance. I will also instruct them to be on their best behavior (but I tell them that in every circumstance), and ask them to take the disability into consideration before getting offended by behavior, etc. (They are 9 and 10, BTW.)
That said, my kids are very inclusive and empathic, naturally. So I don’t have to make them play with anyone, nor do I expect anyone to play with my kids because they have a disability. …nor do I go around telling people that I tell my kids what to expect and how to behave around kids who may be different than they.
I think the real hurt is found in the mothers who have the need to tell you that they have told their kids to be “helpers.” A mother saying so indicates that she has a certain level of insecurity about her own feelings regarding disability.
I think it’s okay to prepare your kids, and ask them to be friendly and helping/caring. But in doing so, their kids may actually see that a kid with a disability is not so different from they… and develop very real, very deep relationships.
My boys are open and willing to talk about their Autism to anyone who asks, because in our family, Autism is part of their giftedness… And without Autism they wouldn’t be the same. They are not limited by it, but they do have Autism, and it’s part of who they are. They are not ashamed or embarrassed by it – yet.
I agree. I have 2 boys (6 and 9) with aspergers and while I consider myself old I am only 32, but I have the same outlook. Having a kid whom is not always socially aware of how he is being perceived and is brutally honest with (his) perception of truth (what’s the saying? Want to know the truth? Then ask a kid with aspergers) I too prep them for playdates, etc with other special needs kids. We don’t focus on their disability but rather their ability. Ie: Johnny is needs a wheelchair to get around because his legs don’t work as well as yours, however have you seen him draw?! He’s amazing at it. That is his special gift, just like you have autism and that means sometimes you need a little more help with things BUT you have an amazing memory and can remember things better then most adults including mommy and daddy…
naturally they have questions, but we always go back to their gifts and how everyone is special. I encourage my kids to play with other SN kids and if they’re hesitant I ask if kids play with them and if not how that makes them feel? One will usually say sad so I tell them that they should make sure that boy or girl isn’t sad because everyone wants to have fun. While it may feel like I am getting them to pity them I’m not. In my kids world it’s very black and white and all about them so it reminds them to think of how they’d feel in their shoes and to take action to change it. We don’t do different we do gifts and talents and putting ourselves in others shoes.
YES! That’s EXACTLY what I mean! 😉
Ummm, no, you are not old! 🙂
Jen, thanks so much for commenting here. Your perspective is important, and I’m glad you shard that here. We’re all learning together.
Being Aspergers myself and I’m pretty sure my 2 yr old daughter is well I completely agree with your stance on walking your children through what to expect and how to handle it. That info would save me from having to study the situation from the corner. But there is a big difference between “this is what you need to do to be a respectful friend to this person you are about to meet” and “good for you for being nice to that strange lil kid!” It might be a good idea to prepare your child for meeting a special needs child but reiterate they are to respect the child not because they have a big heart and are a wonderful person but because the other child deserves respect and has much to offer to a friendship as well.
Yes!
I follow the MOM Facebook page. I do not have a child with special needs. I work with them and I use this page as a resource for better understanding the struggles of their families. I love the families that I work with, with a deep sincerity and I am so motivated in my work because I love having the opportunity to do anything to help ease their burden even if in small ways. Because inclusion, acceptance, love, and encouragement for these kids is my heart’s cry I find it difficult to read articles such as these without responding in this way:
If I took to heart every single article that expressed an opinion about what people without children who have special needs should and shouldn’t do I would NEVER approach a family with special needs in public, never speak to them or their families, and I would never encourage my child to engage with them. In fact since I have started following MOM and related bloggers I have actually found myself being less likely to engage with families because I’m afraid that my kindness will be misconstrued as a disgenuine recognition of the child’s differences.
I get confused because I read things that imply that families with special needs want people to approach and include and love but it is REALLY difficult to find a reason to do that in a perfect way.
And while I do see your heart and that you just want people to see your child as not different, but I would hope that you would just embrace every relationship and every other parent as an opportunity to demonstrate the kind of relationships you desire: free from expectations to do and say the perfect thing, free from presumptions, free from disappointment.
I truly thank families with special needs for their sharing and honesty because I think it’s making me a better health care provider. However, in the most loving and respectful way I would also love to use this forum to encourage families to use caution when being so opinionated about what parents on either side of disability should or shouldn’t do. It’s not easy being a parent period and we praise and reprimand our children when we see fit and it’s never perfect. Parents DO praise their children for playing with regularly developing children because every time see their child treat another person with kindness it is a small victory, an affirmation that what we strive for as parents is coming to fruition. When I read articles like this I worry that others who are less closely tied to families with special needs will misunderstand the heart of the matter because most people would probably presuppose that they don’t actually owe anyone with special needs anything and that they are not going to go out of their comfort zone with these warnings ringing in their ears.
Grace and acceptance free from expectations and relentless self centered needs, expressed by every person, whether it’s a parent with a child with special needs or a parent with a gifted child, and every parent in between, along with understanding that every parent is doing the best they can and that EVERY parent has their own insecurities and struggles is the best formula for inclusive relationships. Other parents are ALWAYS going to do and say imperfect and hurtful things despite the developmental abilities of their children!!
Megan, sigh, yes, you are so right, sometimes we (as special needs parents) are really hard to get along with. I actually wrote about that here https://www.ellenstumbo.com/special-needs-parents-hard-to-get-along/
I think it all comes down to grace. We all need a little extra grace because every single one of us will mess up. It’s all about grace.
I do hear you, because before I had kids with disabilities I did not know what to say or not to say, and I was so afraid of saying or doing anything offensive. I hope that we are all learning together, and I will say this, I would rather have someone say “the wrong thing” if it is done with a genuine heart of friendship, if they are really wanting to reach out, and if their intentions are to help our family (because sometimes we need help) or because they want to get to know me. I value that so much.
I mess up plenty, I say the wrong thing often, and I am so thankful everything that comes out of my mouth is not thrown back at me. Obviously this article I wrote is about something that is hard, and something that hurts.
Please know that we want people like you in our lives, we need people like you (you have gone above and beyond what so many do trying to understand us as families).
So can I say, from me, maybe from other special needs parents, I am sorry. I am so sorry we have made you feel that way. We don’t want you to turn away and give up on us, we appreciate you, we need you, your friendship.
And thanks for sharing this, because your voice really matters, and I do think it is important that we talk about this too.
As a special educator and parent to two typically developing squirts, I hope that I can foster a welcoming heart in my children and have them demonstrate understanding for others. So I will certainly talk to my kids about the idea that different people have different strengths and prepare them as best I can to be sensitive to individual needs of their peers. That being said, I think that the big picture idea here is that we need to truly welcome and accept others with a range of abilities and not solely use them as “feel good” props. Parents, please still be proud of your children and foster a helping attitude, but direct the kindness to being understanding and supportive friends, and try to avoid the condescending tone of charitable friendship. I think the advice of delivering the same kind of praise for all kinds of play is perfect. Suggesting to your child that being aware of what a new friend might need to have a good time while playing together can encourage children to be a better friend to any peer, with or without disabilities.
Megan, you put my thoughts down into words so clearly, I am in total agreement. I feel like we (parents of normal kids) are given mixed messages and I am so confused. I feel so stressed out by the risk of offending that I’d just try to avoid the whole situation altogether.
And Nikki, I am so sorry. Let me just say that from a personal perspective, I would rather have a friend that sometimes says the “wrong” thing but is willing to listen to me, laugh with me, and cry with me, than a friend that has to distance herself because she is afraid to offend me. I need friends!
As for the topic of this post, well, it’s hurtful, especially when it is said in front of our kids. My daughter (who has cerebral palsy) is well aware of why kids play with her, and she will be the first to tell you, she does not ant “helpers” she wants friends.
I both agree and disagree with this. I personally was involved in a situation that reminds me just slightly of this when I was younger. I assume that since parents who rewarded their kids for playing with your kids offends you, that the idea of a parent getting onto their kid for not playing with your kids would be extra offensive? You say that makes you feel that the kid is just friends out of pity but I wouldn’t be so quick to assume that.
When I was little I was a snot to a girl that went to my school and she would carpool with me every once in a while (there was nothing wrong with her and she had no disorders of any kind). One day my dad stopped the car, pulled me out and told me I would be friends with her and I would be nice to her, no ifs about it. I knew I could no longer be a snot and started being nicer, it didn’t take too long for me to end up becoming great friends with her shortly after that, and despite the rough start, it was out of my own will shortly into this that I was nice and such great friends with her. I don’t think kids should be given the option to be mean and or exclude any kid regardless of if they do or do not have a disability.
You see and love all of these wonderful qualities in your kids, is it so hard to believe that other kids see and love some of these same qualities, and just need to be taught (maybe even by you, or their teacher, or their own parents) that it’s not okay to talk to your kids like they’re babies?
As far as praise only because your kids are considered special needs, that is a tough one but I’d say it’s a society wide issue. People are always praised and thought highly of for helping anyone who is considered an “underdog”, I’d say this group by society includes; poor, disabled, special needs, terminally I’ll. Right or wrong, it’s widespread, and people have always been praised for time or money given to those considered by society to bein need. It’s hard for me to say that that is a bad thing, but I could see how under such circumstances, when your kid is just trying to live a normal life, it could be very hurtful
Emily, I understand what you are saying, but I think you are missing part of what Ellen is saying here. She is not saying that it’s bad to force kids to not act like snots, to not bully or exclude other kids, etc. Regardless of their disability status.
She is simply saying that to praise typically developing kids SPECIFICALLY for playing with a child with disabilities is insulting. And it is. (Both my daughter and I are autistic, and I can tell you I have experienced this story both as a parent and as a child). You are talking about children with disabilities as being “in need,” which means, you are seeing anything you do with them as being “for” them, not “with” them for mutual enjoyment. I know maybe you don’t mean that, but just using words like “underdog,” and “in need,” aren’t really appropriate to use in the context of social life. Yes, a disabled person may have extra medical or financial needs, extra educational needs etc. But that doesn’t mean that befriending someone with special needs should = a charity case, or a pity friendship where one person is giving and another is taking gratefully.
No one is talking about praising kids just for being good to each other, or scolding them (or expecting them to change) when they are being bad. Or helping ANY child if they need some help with something and are OK with getting it.That’s not the issue here. The issue is the REASON for praise. Praising a child specifically FOR playing with a child with a disabilities presumes that one child has all the social advantage and is being a so-called “friend” as an act of pious charity or pity, being a good Samaritan… instead of just enjoying some great time with a friend because they enjoy it. It presumes that the disabled child has nothing of their own to offer in the equation.
How would you feel if someone praised you for having a friend of another race? Wouldn’t that feel strange to you, especially if you genuinely liked that friend and weren’t thinking about race? For me that would even make me feel dirty and weird, if I were just enjoying someone’s company, to have our racial differences or one person’s increased privilege, called into obvious relief like that. It puts a weird, awkward spin on an otherwise equal feeling friendship!
Or if that is too hard to imagine… Would it be OK to praise a fellow adult (or a kid) for having a friend who is overweight? “You’re so giving and kind… you made friends with an overweight person.” Doesn’t that sound ridiculous and elitist? That implies that overweight people aren’t worth befriending and have nothing valuable to offer, and being friends with them is some superior form of “helping.” And yet overweight is seen as “less” in our culture, as well.
As long as you think of this in terms of words like “needy” and “helping,” you are not thinking of that disabled person as your social equal. Yes, they are “needy” in some ways, maybe, but not in ways that have anything to do with their potential friendship with you. A person with a disability has just as much to offer in a friendship as a non-disabled person.
It is one thing to praise a kid for defending another child against bullies. That is totally ok, AS LONG AS the bullied child has a chance to say whether they want the support, especially if they are disabled. It’s always important with any disability to PRESUME COMPETENCE. That means for example, don’t automatically try to help a blind child cross the street… ask if they would like help first. Don’t assume that a nonverbal child is cognitively challenged, and don’t assume that a cognitively challenged child is incapable in other areas, or try to speak for her. Let her speak for herself and if she seems to be struggling with something, ASK if she needs the help rather than assuming. That whole “presumption of competence” thing is huge. It empowers people with disabilities to decide for themselves what “help” they wish to receive.
That also raises the whole complex issue, Ellen, of typical children helping a child with disabilities… My daughter often receives help from other kids with many things, and often they see her as a younger child. But she also is looked up to for her vast knowledge of certain subject areas, and her funny sense of humor and fashion sense. The kids mean no harm, and my daughter is honestly (with her particular dis/ability set) oblivious to any condescension. It’s sort of a trade-off. There are times I have to look out for her because I sense kids are talking down to her in a malicious way, but more often these days, I sense that kids really like her, because she’s quite likeable!, and they want to help her learn the things that come easily to them. And in her case, she is grateful for the help, and in turn helps them… she teaches them to draw, entertains them with funny stories, and educates them about her favorite subjects, which she knows about in amazing depth. I used to be treated the same way as a child… helped and looked at as very immature in some ways, and in others, seen with some awe. That’s typical for many kids with Aspergers, in particular.
I don’t have a problem with her getting the help she needs. Her friends are her #1 source of support! The key to me is really how the support is offered. Kids are not perfect and they will never be perfectly “politically correct” about how they offer help to a child with obvious (or even invisible) special needs. They may say the wrong thing, help rather than presuming competence, or talk down to a child with a disability, and yet honestly mean no harm. For that reason… they need parents and other adults to help steer them in the right direction!
But to some extent, I feel I have empowered my tween daughter to such an extent (partly because I share her disability) that I am confident she can either help to educate her friends about these issues herself, or if she is not sure what to do, she always comes to me for help. So I think as a parent of a kid with disabilities, we have to be prepared to help our kids self-advocate. But I realize that is not as easy for all kids, especially if there is a lot of social naivete (which my daughter has to some degree) or specific cognitive challenges, being nonverbal, etc. Even so, there are ways to do it in very simple and age/developmentally appropriate terms, and I’ve been doing this with my daughter — educating her about how to advocate for herself and disclose or not to others — since she was five years old and first diagnosed. So it’s possible. There is even a T-shirt out there for nonverbal autistic kids that says “I’m nonverbal, but I understand everything you’re saying,” or something like that. It sounds a little heavy-handed, but if you had to be nonverbal and hear all the nonsense people assume about you all day, it might be nice to have a talking t-shirt to remind people that you are listening to everything they say!
But ultimately… the burden really lies on adults, not kids. Part of the responsibility of parents is to teach kids how to be not only inclusive, but respectful of other kids’ boundaries, to understand different abilities, and yet to understand that everyone has something valuable to offer… NO ONE is a charity case.
It is one thing to
Thank you for writing this article. I wish all parents would read it. Young children are so naturally curious and impressionable, it is a shame that as a culture we start to point out differences at such a young age. I hope more people will write similar articles so that word will spread. We so often say “people with disabilities” with an emphasis in disabilities rather than on PEOPLE. I hope one day we can just say “people” without the added label.
I find myself on the recieving end of these comments all the time (at 16 years old too!) and I can tell you, it doesn’t feel good and it didn’t feel good when I was five either. When I was younger the praise baffled me. Why should I (or anyone) be praised for being friends with someone who is kind, smart, funny and enjoyable to be around? That’s what we look for in our friends, after all.
P.S Please tell Nina that she is amazing. Those other kids are having trouble seeing past those storm clouds they’ve built around her and can’t see the sunshine that’s really there.
Thanks Clare, you are wise for your age!
Thank you for this! I am a very confident mother of 4, with one special needs. She’s 10 now and realizes some kids are playing with her because they actually get attention for it, it BREAKS my heart when she come home crying. And without looking like the crazy mom I just want to tell stop it! The same kids that bully her (separate issue trying to work that out) go on her update page a profess their undying devotion to my very special girl, makes me nuts. There’s nothing heroic about being someone’s friend. A truly kind heart does not need recognition. But I guess I should just start recognizing my sweet little babe for playing with these normal average kids 😉 Wanting equality has nothing to do with being insecure
I have heard so many adults with disabilities say, “I don’t want to be anyone’s project.” That is such a powerful statement!
One of my FB friends shared this and she has a daughter on the spectrum of autism. I am so glad she did. My daughter doesn’t have a disability but is 4 and Im so glad I read this! While I do want to encourage her to love all friends no matter who they are or what they look like…I can definitely see where the first statements come from in a parent’s head. I now know that it shouldn’t be like that – choose words carefully so there isn’t a difference! Thank you for giving helpful examples! I will take this with me in my mind from now on
Brittany, thank you! There is nothing wrong with feeling proud that your child can look beyond disability, or race, or any other outward display that makes people different (or unique). It is how we handle this as parents that directly influences (or changes) their perceptions.
The social challenges of a child with disabilities is so heartbreaking. Never getting invited to birthday parties/play dates with kids who are SUPPOSEDLY their “friends” really sucks. And how the heck do you explain that to a child? The rampant exclusion ticks me off so much. We often invite a friend to the movies, bowling, arcade, etc., but it is NEVER reciprocated. Is it really such a huge sacrifice to hang out with my sweet and funny little boy?
Julie, I her you! The social isolation that happens to those in the disability community sadly begins since our children our young. Our play dates come from other friends that are also impacted by disability.
Invest in a concession stand sized popcorn machine. My son does not walk or talk. He has tubes and wires all over him. He is blind and in a wheelchair. He also screams like an infant only he is very loud.
All the neighborhood children come over to visit him. The popcorn definitely helps. He has more than 15 friends that visit several times a week. Popcorn is cheap enough to make for the entire neighborhood.
They say, “He can’t walk or talk or see, but he can FLY!”
They ask if they can ride in his wheelchair.
Amazing
Thank you for saying this. Like many other disabled kids, my son has few ‘friends’, but is well known and liked in our small city. Years ago, he had a Kindergarden teacher who proudly told me that all the kids competed to see who would be his ‘helper’ – and that the other kids were so good to him, like he was a baby or a pet. She couldn’t seem to understand why that upset me!
We are lucky to have family friends whose kids were raised around my son, and for the most part they treat him like anyone else. The biggest problem we have is convincing them to slow down so he can join in. That will probably change as they get older (my son is the oldest of the kids), but at least they’ve had time to get to know each other and develop a comfort level.
Hi Ellen,
You have written an excellent article, straight from the heart of a mom!! I hear you loud and clear and totally agree. By sharing this, you are actually educating us, helping to change mindsets and values. I work in a special education centre for people with intellectual and developmental disabilities including those with Down syndrome, autism, cereral palsy etc. So I can appreciate very much what you are saying here. On a personal front with a similar point, is when people I just met ask me and I tell them my work and the usual response goes something like this (not exact words)……oh, how wonderful I am for “helping” people with special needs!! It is so predictable and I cringe at that every time! You know what I mean. What that kind of response does is to send out a common message that individuals with special needs are to be pitied and anyone working with them are patient, great, wonderful, exceptional persons (no, no, no!)….it’s definitely undeserved, inappropriate praises at the expense of the former. Far be it for us in the field to bask in that !!
Also to add to my comments here…..to anyone I meet who cares enough to want to know, I always emphasize “do not pity but give chances to prove their abilities (in work, community life…..etc)”
Wishing you well and God’s wisdom and direction for your children.
Jenny
I think that it is great to advocate different perspectives on behalf of yourself and your children. I also want to say that having a child with a disability means having to work a lot harder in regards to all aspects life. It’s the nature of the beast called disability. I know awareness helps but I feel that having a child with a disability means you live in a world that not everyone has the privilege of living in. It is a hard and rewarding life just like the lives of other moms of kids who do not have disabilities – just different hard and rewarding moments. what I mean to say is I get where you are coming from and it is important. But life hits us with a thousand things we do wrong. I hope you are not just advocating but teach your kids too to be patient and that not everyone has the opportunity to live in your world. Maybe your kids as well as yourself could also be the teachers for these “outsiders”.
I would just like to say thank you for this article, I do not have any children with special needs and as of now they don’t have any friends with special needs but you really made me think about how I should react to it when they do. I probably automatically would have praised my son for playing with a special needs kid, now I see that it is not an appropriate reaction, that I could end up hurting their friendship and give my sons a wrong way of looking at the friend. I am so glad I took the time to read this.
I’ve had experiences with autism all my life. My uncle, who was closer to an older brother, was autistic. He was my best friend and playmate until I started school. I never noticed that he didn’t talk that much, because we never needed to.
In 5th grade, a boy with severe autism was trialed in my class. He was put next to me because I ‘tolerate a lot’ of things and would understand if he was different. But his particular stim was going BEEEP all the time. Every minute, like clockwork it seemed like. I started failing tests and everything. He was just loud enough that it was intrusive into what I was thinking or doing. I never said anything, but I guess the teacher felt bad, because the kid was moved to a different place in the room, and a week later, out of the school. I never wondered why he did it, any more than I wondered why my uncle had to flap his hands sometimes. Or always have headphones on when we were at his house. It was just how they were.
When I was really little, my mom and her friends would get together, and since all us kids were of similar age, it became a thing. There was one boy with autism. I can remember all of us playing on a farm, and having the run of it. At maybe 4 years old. And this boy….us kids didn’t care if he had autism or purple polka dots. He was just another kid. Except sometimes we had to get his mom to come get him. I can remember specifically one time he laid down underneath a cow to see if it had a bellybutton. We couldn’t just go get him, we might scare the cow. Usually we could just go get him, or explain why whatever it was, was a bad idea. So we got his mom. Looking back, I can see that she was stressed, and worried about letting him go unsupervised. But I’m equally sure that SHE needed it more than he did. It didn’t seem weird at the time, we didn’t think “something is WRONG with this kid, I wish he didn’t play with us”. It was just a thing, like how one of us couldn’t eat peanut butter, or how I had bad grass allergies and was supposed to come in if my eyes swelled up. Of course, I didn’t. We looked out for each other, and we were all equal until we got older and someone told us otherwise.
Oh, and I forgot to mention….I am the mother of a 15 year old with autism and severe anxiety. Today we had the IEP meeting (FINALLY) where the school said they can’t meet her needs. Now we start the process of interviewing special needs schools.
As far back as early on head start we have called my daughter little momma. She has her own problems yes but the ones that have there own in all different ways she gravatates towards them to play with. Only helps when the said child has asked for it and if she couldnt she would go get an adult that she knew my friend from jr high has a daughter that has special needs and my daughter asked to play with her almost every weekend by her own choice. My daughte is now in first grade.
My cousins lttlw boy has cp I showed this article to her maybe it can help kids at her sons school.
Do you have any tips for introducing the concept? My brother has an intellectual disability and I’ll take the fake niceness over the hurled ‘retarded’ abuse he received as a child from mobs of kids but can see how this could have its own unique hurt.
I have an almost 3 y/o and he recently dragged me over to point and laugh at a man in a wheelchair because he thought it looked funny and I’ve got to admit I didn’t know how to approach it. It wasn’t malicious he just thought it looked cool but it certainly would have been hurtful.
One of our friends has a kid with Downs the same age and he clearly doesn’t want to play with him in the same way he doesn’t want to play with younger kids (or admittedly most kids right now for various reasons). I feel like I need to tell him to be extra considerate or nice but then this singles him out and underlines the difference. When we got home I talked about him being a bit special/different and him not being able to help that and needing extra consideration. But I guarantee that will eventually elicit the behavior some have complained about above. So what do do? What would you recommend?
Tora, I don’t have all the answers and I don’t know your son, but I do think that sometimes it is appropriate to talk to kids about disability, especially when you notice that they might need a little direction. So yes, I would talk to him about it, and I would talk about how everyone has challenges, and everyone has things they are good at, even if we cannot see it. As for the friend with Down syndrome he does not want to play with, have you asked him why? There might be a reason, and if the reason is related to the disability, then you might talk about it, so that he understands whatever it is he doesn’t like.
Once I was leaving a movie theater with my daughter (who has Aspergers) and we ran into a person who was in the throes of what seemed to possibly be a Tourette’s tic. As soon as we passed her my daughter said really loudly, “Who’s making all that noise?” I’ve explained Tourette’s to my daughter and she knows a lot of kids from her SPED camp with vocalization issues, and my daughter also has mild echolalia. But still, I was caught off guard! I didn’t know what to do or say, I was so embarrassed.
I finally got it together and said, “Remember what I told you, sometimes people have to make noises that aren’t on purpose, and it’s okay.” I mentioned that there were kids at her camp who did that too and sometimes it’s called a tic, and it’s a brain thing, almost like how she needs to repeat random things she hears. I figured that was a rational and reassuring enough explanation, I was so flustered at the time that I didn’t apologize to or at least greet or acknowledge the woman, who clearly was well aware that she was attracting attention, was totally conscious of the tic, and looked very upset. It was obvious she already attracted my daughter’s attention enough to say something rude, so at that point the right thing to do probably would have been to say hello at least and apologize for my daughter’s unintentionally hurtful comment.
But what can you do? It’s hard to think on your feet in those situations! Looking back, I am glad at least I didn’t just freak out and act all secretive, but gave my daughter a rational and calm explanation, and at least audibly mentioned that she has an issue with a similar thing too. It’s true that the primal, “knee jerk” response to many obvious disabilities can be fear, ridicule, or revulsion, especially if it involves a physical difference or a prominently different behavior. It’s up to parents to not only teach kids how to overcome those base animal responses (if they even have them; sometimes parents have them worse than kids!), but also to educate ourselves about how to deal with them on our feet when they come up! Which can be so hard!
I’ve been on the other side of this too, where my daughter has done something very odd and conspicuous, and kids (or adults) have said something rude. Usually in my case though it’s a lot more directly nasty, because her issues are more behavioral and emotional. Even when she is stimming, people are more likely to comment because she banged into them on the street while twirling around or jumping around trying to break the ice on every single puddle, than they are to really care if she is repeating random dialogue from a movie over and over under her breath, because it sort of sounds like it makes some logical sense compared to a person making loud, repetitive noises during a movie.
Sarah, my daughter has no qualms about asking people about their disabilities or even physical appearance (my daughter who has cerebral palsy) I find it puzzling because she does not like to be asked, but she will walk to someone and say, “Why do you have those posts on your teeth?” We have had MANY conversations about what is socially acceptable behavior.
This is wonderful. I’m an autism mom. We live in a small hick town. I myself don’t exactly blend in with the crowd appearance-wise, and i have my very excitable, special girl. We make for quite the sight often. I love this so much because what I want for her, more than anything, is to embrace who she is, with all her uniqueness, and be proud! she has such a big heart, she loves playing with anyone and everyone, and it makes my heart swell when I see how well received she is by her peers! I don’t think that she sees the differences in herself so much yet, she’s 6. I know she will start to eventually. but I know she sees some differences in others. She never thinks twice to play with them, even lend a hand. of course children are going to have questions and it’s great that they do, to be inquisitive. But yes yes, praise them for their kindness to any and all of their peers. This and manners, so often not addressed, and to treat all their friends, no matter what their composition, equally.
I do not have a child with special needs but was drawn to this article. I’m glad I read it. I have 6, 3, and 1 year old daughters. They’ve been taught (well, the older girls) to never ask a question or talk about people’s bodies or words publicly. If they have a question or see someone who looks or talks differently, they are more than welcome to quietly ask a parent, but never to say it louder than that. I suppose we’ve been rather strict in this enforcement, because whenever someone would mention my pregnant belly with #3, my oldest would reply with how rude it is to comment on someone’s body. This has worked for us.
Secondly, we’ve tried to teach our girls that race, clothing, or differing abilities are not reason to NOT be friends with someone, nor are they reason to BECOME friends with someone. We are to be kind and loving to everyone because, in our faith practice, that is what God has called us to do. To recognize that everyone has a spark of the Divine in them and are worthy of love and joy. They are to choose friends that they enjoy being with, but to recognize that ultimately, everyone is important and deserves to feel as though they are. To this point, this is working for us.
Thank you for this piece. It extends farther out than different ability levels, or special needs. It is about humanity and how we treat those who are not just the same as us.
I can sympathize with you, Ellen, since my Dad struggled to hold onto his friends once he was diagnosed with dementia. I was heartbroken by this, and worked hard to try to fix this situation. After seeing people back out of his life until Dad realized he had very few friends left, I came to realize just how exceptional and praiseworthy it was when anyone intentionally walked alongside him in genuine friendship. As you say, I did want my Dad’s friendships to feel normal, and for his dementia to fade into the background as his friends got to know the ‘real’ him. But I also realized that the world could be quite a cruel place, and that in this context, it really did take an exceptionally selfless person to want to be in my Dad’s life. So I felt it was important to tell his friends, privately of course, just how much of a difference they had made in his life.
Dana, I would do the same thing, (dementia and Alzheimers run in my family), it is hard to talk about absolutes, what to say or not to say. But obviously not everything can be addressed in this post.
I think that is a sort of different situation, too… When an adult develops dementia, they are changing. Their friends knew them as one person with a certain set of abilities, and now that’s changing drastically, including the mental facilities and memory. In that case, some friends won’t have the patience and genuine love of that person, to stick around as they change and lose many of their abilities and even their memory and independence. They may develop emotional or behavioral issues as well (in some cases) or need supervision and care instead of being equals. I am not saying that is a reason to de-friend someone who develops Alzheimer’s… that is very sad. But it is also not the same situation as the scenario here. Staying friends with someone who loses their abilities, and befriending someone with a disability, are two different things. But there is some overlap in the conversation and I agree that praising a friend for staying friends with someone who is slowly losing many of the things that they once bonded over and that made them equals, is an OK conversation to have… in private. And in that kind of case yes, some caregiving might be involved, and I think that is also OK.
I get it and I even agree but guess what – I will praise my child when he plays with his friend with downs just as his mum praises him because he is and I quote “keeping up” with my child. I am as proud of ALL the achievements that my abled child does as she is of her different abled child – the difference being that if I tell people I brag or in this case pity the other party whilst my friend can post all over social networks about her child’s achievements and everyone will praise that child. And mum. ..
I am proud that my child is colour, ability, religion etc blind and I am proud that he takes the extra time it takes to understand his friend and to slow down his generally very fast pace so that the two of them can play. And I will and am explaining the different abilities of different people just as I explain different backgrounds and guess what that is what makes my child a fair , equal, non judgmental, colour, ability and religion blind amazing kid! And guess what – I praise him when he plays with his fully abled friends and is considerate to any special circumstances with them too- like the non sharing friend and the far too rough playing one or the friend who cries all the time or the friend who is so similar to himself that the get irritated with each other. I don’t think their mums take offence. I don’t see your child as a different abled child – I see your child as another child with different abilities. (There is a difference). So please do not see my child or me as the enemy behind the line that society has drawn for what is acceptable or not and please don’t blame the people looking at your child in the shop blame society where people with different abilities are not integrated. Then go visit for example Scandinavia where integration is key since decades and you will also become ability blind.
Not meaning to sound angry but it’s not as black and white as you make it out.
What you are saying makes so much sense and I agree.
I think the key thing really is just that it’s consistent… That you praise a child for being patient and inclusive with lots of different kinds of kids, for many different reasons.
There are ways to have this conversation without making the kids into non-equals. You can stress the awesomeness of your child being able to spontaneously make adjustments to help accommodate a child’s needs, regardless of whether they relate to a disability or not, while also stressing the things they have in common as friends. And not framing it in terms of “doing for”but more “doing with.” I would also probably just try to re-divert the conversation back to just normal friend stuff they both do as equals. When applicable I’d also praise the friend to my child for putting up with their issues, or helping them!
I believe it is totally ok to say to my daughter, “That’s really awesome that you are so patient with Amy, I know she gets frustrated and angry really easily and has a hard time controlling her impulses. But she’s really taught you how to draw cats so well.” if Amy has a mood dysregulation disorder, or, “I am impressed at how you’re learning all that sign language from Joe; you will have to teach me some phrases! If he were an Adventure Time character, who do you think he would be?” Or, if a friend were in a wheelchair: “I know you love to climb trees and it’s hard to resist that at the park, but it’s great that you can put that aside and find other things to do when you’re playing with Xavier that you can both do together. And I’m glad you’re both so interested in airplanes!”
And yes, sometimes I will explain the disability, if there is one. (My daughter has autism so it is usually a two-sided conversation about how they can interact together successfully). But I will never say, “That’s so great that you played with x child who has a worse disability than you.” Or if she were fully abled, I’d never frame it around the diability or diagnosis as being what makes her great for playing with them. I would frame it around what specifically was challenging about relating to that person, if anything. I often have to give some heads up to my daughter about a specific disability before she meets someone. Because of her Aspergers she will just blurt out whatever totally blunt thing comes to her mind, and that can be hurtful, so we do need to sometimes have a social story beforehand about a situation or person and what to expect, how to act, etc. It is such a fine line.
I grew up with my Uncle Tony who had Down Syndrome. Although we (my cousins and I) knew our differences in abilities between my Uncle and the rest of us, it was never an issue. We played together, took walks together. Much to his delight, we would lead him to different places to discover new things together, but the fondest of memories were when he led us– led us to the places he wanted to go, to show us the things he wanted to us to see and experience with him; it was his way of teaching us what was precious in life to him, what should be precious to us. He loved music and dancing and, in memoriam, his favorite tunes still play often in my mind– bittersweet tears shed because of it. Sadly, he passed away a few years ago, but he’ll always be one of those dearest who occupy a place in my heart– a great joy in life that was just one of my many wonderful blessings from God! I can’t wait to see what he’s been doing in heaven, while he awaits our family reunion!
Andy thank you so much for sharing about your uncle. I am so sorry for your loss too.
Oh sister, your grace in responding to some of these comments is beautiful. That’s exactly what it is- grace. An openess that is just so rare. We all have our perspective. We can all afford to see it from another’s. I’m working to stay open. I have two uhhh-mazing boys, 3 and 5. They have autism. We have a beautiful life and a great story. Our local garbageman has become a forever family friend. It started out as an act of kindness to my son who LOVED the trash truck. Frank the garbageman didn’t know my Grey had autism- he just saw a happy little boy who loved his truck. I remember how…odd- sad-weird I felt when the city gave Frank an award for “making an impact” for people with disabilities. I went to the ceremony in a fog. I felt so sad that someone won an actual award for simply being kind to my son! I would have NO IDEA about any of this if I weren’t “in the club” though. And I still believe people are kind and good and are simply operating with love in their heart. Your article will help people who aren’t in the club understand your (and my) perspective. And I totally understand theirs. So- that’s it. Sorry for rambling;-) Thank you for sharing your heart! XO Chrissy
Chrissy, thank you so much! And I think I would have felt pretty similar if someone had an award for being nice to one of my kids!
I dont havee a child with downs but have a son with a major heart problem since he was born he is 8 now and I have so many parents who think that they can have their kids treat him like a normal boy his age and wrestle and do sports he can’t play. They know of his problems and it drives me nuts I never know how to confront them that their kid could send my kid to the er for a heartattck or even worse. We even recently had to tell my son he can’t play with the neighbor kid bc he had tackled him on our porch and wouldn’t get off. This article made me think I say the same things to my self dont praise your kids for playing with the kid who has a heart problem Paise your kid for making a new friend and treating him nice.
Thanks for your insights! My daughter has a friend with down syndrome and I have so far just discussed with her how to interact with him. His speech was hard for my daughter to understand at first, but she recently told me she doesn’t have any problem talking to him now. She also told me she that he doesn’t seem any different from her other friends. I told her that, that is true and I’m glad they had fun together. I now will make sure I don’t say anything about him being different and praising her for her choice of friends. Thanks again. I think I would feel the same way as you if the shoe was on the other foot. This post is really helpful! Gods blessings to you and thanks again!
Shelly, thank you! That is what kids ask mostly about my daughter (who has Down syndrome) they think she is younger because of her speech (and she is pretty short too). And it sounds like if your daughter has questions, she will ask, so be ready, because she will! 🙂
My granddaughter has been diagnosed with autism, I thanked my daughter’s neighbours son for being friends with her. I wasn’t being condescending, I was praising him for getting over his disability and making friends, because he’s autistic too.
There are times when praising a “kid” for playing with another child, when that child is coping with a disability of their own that could leave them socially excluded. That said, I have to agree, if a “Normal” child were to make friends with either of the two mentioned above, I wouldn’t comment.
I grew up as a child of an occupational therapist who worked in the school district. I from a young age was always playing with my moms “kids”and i say that because trust me at christmas we went shopping for all of her “kids”. I remember distinctly when playing with my very good friend, a girl with cp that i realized she was different. I remember being scolded by her mother one day when i asked why she couldnt cone to the skating party with me. I will never forget how that womab talked to my mother. That i didnt deserve a cookie for stooping to play with her daughter. Im not sure now as an adult what was going on in her mind or lifw at the time. But i remember that day. And i felt like i was a bad person for not realizing the differences between us. I now have a daughter who has been a “typical” and a learning diability child. I dont praise my child for playing with a special needs child but i can remeber sometimes she would whisper “why does she need that wheelchair” and to that i respond “why dont you ask her”. Then i relish when i see my daughter notice the “difference ” and look beyond that sometimes very obvious difference to the person that child is, and she can make a new friend. And if they hit it off great if not oh well. She doesnt become friends with everyone. Its wont be because of a disability.
Jamie, I am so sorry you had that experience when you finally asked. Sigh, sometimes, as special needs parents we can be hard to get along with. She could have been really stressed out and could filter that, I wonder if I have ever done that. I can tell you that I always welcome questions, it is natural for kids to be curious and ask, and I do believe how we respond makes all the difference. Thankfully, you had experiences outside of that one interaction because of your mom’s job!
“I always welcome questions.”
I bet you’ve never been asked, “IS HE DEAD???”
Oh Sara, no, I cannot even imagine what that would feel like. I am so sorry people have said that to you. I don’t know how some people even think that is okay to say.
I have been asked if my then 7 year old was going to die. He wasn’t officially “special needs” but he was undergoing heavy duty cancer treatment including chemo and radiation. He was a scarecrow. Yes, I’ve been asked.
Loved this! I have a son with CP, and I just really appreciated how you vocalized this interaction between parents and typically developing children <3
I also have a blog where I write about my son, hope you'll check it out sonetime.!
http://www.ThisMWord.WordPress.com
Mandy, as soon as I am done replying to these comments I certainly will check out your blog, thanks for sharing it!
You know, I never looked at it like this. And I’m glad to see the point of view you expressed. My boys have children with special needs in the classroom and in daycare. One of our friends has a son with only one hand whom they’ve known their whole lives and they don’t really notice the difference until he points it out. As far as the other kids at school, though, they notice. And they’ve made comments that have bothered me. My younger son who is 6 talked about the little boy with Down Syndrome in his daycare and it wasn’t very kind. He also talked about the girl with Asperberger’s who tends to get upset easily. I shared that they are different and that you have to just go with that. They are different in the same way my kids are different (they have severe allergies) and that everyone has something that makes them different – skin colour, the way they look or speak or act. I think I got it right for that part of the conversation (??) but I think that I may have stressed too much about being patient with them and focused too much on the differences for my younger son. My older one is 8 and he gets it and seems to understand
d that everyone has their challenges even if they aren’t obvious but the younger is at the age where he blurts out anything in his head and I was worried he’d be rude (since I thought his comments were rude when he was talking about one of them and I worried he’d take that out of the home) Thanks for this post. I’m going to do some thinking on it now and when the subject comes up again, I’ll be thinking about what you’ve said.
Jackie, the fact that you helped them see that we all are different means you are definitely on the right track, your kids are asking, and your response was great! Did you stress it too much? Well, you probably know your son better than anyone, is he the kind that you have to stress things so he can process what you are saying? Thank you so much for helping your kids see that we all have differences, and food allergies stink, we have some of those too 🙂
Ellen, I agree! My son is severely autistic and I hate the feeling I get when people treat playing with him as a favour. You just do it, just because. And yes your child is wonderful for doing it but I don’t need to hear how special they are for the “sacrifice” they made to play with mine!:) Great post.
Thanks Melissa!
Thanks for this post, I’ve saved it and will surely remember your words when my kids will be playing with kids having disabilities. I have another problem…My daughters best friend’s brother has a down syndrome as well. And sometimes my daughter is saying to me that he is a bad boy, he pinched her or hurt her somehow. Or she like cross her eyes and when I ask her not to do that, she says “but Aiden is doing that”. She keeps asking questions why he is acting like a baby even he is older than her sister who is 3 year old now and so on. I don’t know how to explain everything to her, so I just keep saying that people are different. and he didn’t mean to hurt her, but she cant understand that and says that he is mean and she doesnt like him. And even that her friend doesnt want him to be her brother and wished he would be different. How should I explain everything to her? Should I talk to my daughters friends mum and tell her about how her daughter feels about her brother?
Leilla, my guess is that your friend already knows how her daughter feels. She probably has seen the eye roll, and she knows the brother/sister interactions. Disability is not an excuse for bad behavior, if he is being naughty, then I would validate your daughter’s feelings, “yes, I would be frustrated too if he pinched me too!” Yes, he might not understand completely, but he also needs to learn appropriate behavior, is your friend aware of what is happening during play dates? I obviously don’t know the situation, so know that I am responding from the perspective of what I would do as the mom if my kid was the one pinching another kid. When your daughter asks why he acts younger, that is a great example of a situation where it is okay to talk about disability, and talk about Down syndrome, if you feel comfortable talking about it, and if you know how to explain it. Have you asked your friend to talk to your daughter?
Love this article! My son has cerebellar atrophy, he cant talk or walk well but he always has a beautiful smile on his face. He communicates by using singing. He dont have friends even know I try but most of the kids dont want to play with him because of his disability and hes 4 years old. It hurts to know that kids dont want to play with him. The only child who plays with him is his 1 year old brother. That is good enough.
*signing*
Get a concession stand sized popcorn machine.
Everyone will come over to play.
I find this article very interesting, however I have to then wonder what I should do instead? A family friend has a boy with mental and physical disabilities. He is the same age as my son. We often go camping with them and as the years have passed, I’ve noticed my son is easily frustrated by the boy who is loud, does not play fair and often says very insulting things. If my son was to act like he would with any other boy, these two would not be friends. However as the boy cannot help his underdeveloped social skills and has no friends, I have encouraged my son to be more patient and understanding with this boy. This boy absolutely adores my son and his mother has shown a lot of appreciation as her boy very rarely gets to play with other children.
I have explained his disability to my son and when he comes back to me looking defeated from a particularly rough time with the boy, of course I praise him. I can’t force my child to like him, but I can teach him that sometimes it’s about much more than that. The boys are 10.
So while I understand where you are coming from, I can’t agree completely as every child and circumstance is different and some kids just can’t help the fact that they don’t have social skills.
Jenn, I think you are in a different situation from what I am addressing here, as this is your family friend, a child that you will continue to have interactions with. From what you have shared, I think it is appropriate for you to talk to your child about disability, and to encourage him to understand the “why” behind some of those behaviors, and what his friendship means to this boy.
I have not read all the comments here but many expressing many different views. I have been a teacher for 25 years teaching kids of many different races , backgrounds, and uniqueness. I have only been a parent for 8 years as I married late in life. I have an 8 year old daughter who has autism. She is our joy. This has been a journey and continues to be. But on thing that strikes me is this- a kid is a kid- no matter what. And that is to be celebrated, appreciated and noted. I agree that the language of the conversation or comment of praise we share with our children is one taken with great care. Because as kids go on to be kids- we as the adults will taint their innocence with our opinions. Let our kids be kids- playing, conversing, and enjoying the company of the other. And we as parents, can be ready to coach on the sidelines for the purpose of nurturing this time of learning and growing in a positive way. I am sure as the social situation gets more and more involved in my daughter’s life, I will thank God if she has at least one friend. And it will take a very special someone who understands and appreciates our girl because they had eyes to see a beautiful and unique person not autism. But they will also need to accept and understand autism to problem solve through conflict, encourage them, support them, and continue that relationship. Thank you for the article. As always, my eyes are always on the look out for articles written about special needs kids. http://www.storytellertellsall.com
This thread is so unrealistic. When kids who develop typically become friends with special needs kids IT IS DIFFERENT. You know it is, your kid knows it is, my kid knows it is and I know it is. One of many examples, My son was hit in the face by an ADHD child on his soccer team deliberately, the coach then lectured the team and the parents about acceptance of the special needs kids. No mention or apology to the kid with the ice pack at all, MY SON. Meanwhile, I was up most of the night putting ice packs on my son’s face and hoping his school wouldn’t call the law when he showed up the next day with a swollen eye and black and blue marks. Another time my son went to visit an extremely ill peer in the hospital, because my son had been ill he was very accepting. The mother was incredible, having her daughter do homework while we sat and waited because what could have been more important than her child actually doing homework? In other situations this basic approach of fairness is set aside when the special needs kids of my friends who are friends of my son get involved. How far is this supposed to go? Does it help anyone to let ANYONE think the basic rules of behavior don’t apply to them? Parents who shrug off their kids destructiveness in your home who are then offended when said kids are not invited back? As these kids get older, unless their parents try at least somewhat, the distance will become greater. And don’t pretend like others don’t understand because people do. That you don’t/won’t is the real problem. That is the truth, try it out.
And to add, I have never mentioned the special needs of my son’s friends with the exception of the girl he visited in the hospital who had cancer. No mention at all about them being different in any way, no special shout out, just “did you have fun with Sally or Johnny?” I understand that this is a fine line. When this boy from the soccer team hit my boy in the face with a ball and the coach asked for understanding of the aggressor as he had ADHD without any apology to my son with the black eye and bloody nose, that was a really hard moment. While my child is not designated special needs, he had a major illness that really set him apart for a time. He couldn’t really play too much with other kids or go places. I feel like I’m being told I don’t understand but I also feel, understanding goes both ways. Since my son has a number of special needs friends that he treats like any others, I’m not sure he is the issue at least not all of the time. One friend has told me directly that her son doesn’t have the same social opportunities and I know that is true. By the same token, as the mom, she doesn’t extend herself thinking that her special needs kid is the one who should always be reached for. Pretty tough sledding.
I think what happened to your son is inexcusable, I do not care if the child had ADHD, that is not an excuse for bad behavior and aggression. Someone needs to talk to the coach because disability is not permission to act out. Some kids do, but I think as parents we are responsible for our kids. If one of my girls hits another kid, I don’t care if they have a disability, wrong is wrong. This kid is learning that there are no standards for him and he will take full advantage of that!
You are right to feel that was wrong, it was!
So I agree with what you are saying here, completely. What I address in this post is different, and it actually sounds like what you experienced was the opposite, “Be nice to the kid because he has a disability.”
I love this blog. I think it is spot on. My son (2 yrs old) has Congenital Muscular Dystrophy. He will probably never walk but he is very intelligent. If any parent should praise their child for playing with mine, I will respond by praising mine back. Letting my son know how wonderful he is for playing with them.
I just want to say as a mother of a child on autism spectrum I really appreciate this!!! I have read many of the comments and learned a lot and that is so important!! As a parent with a SN child I just want to say how hard it can be for us to share and find the right balance for are children. I remember when I was a child a big misunderstanding occurred between me and another girl who had needs, her mom was so mad at me, and it made it hard to continue the friendship because I was scared of the mom. I think about that often when I watch my son play. My best friend for almost 30 years had a speech problem as a child and had trouble in the early years making friends. Her parents were amazing though and taught her through it, she is the most amazing person I know to this day and some of what has made her so wonderful came from that pain. I know how hard it can be to watch your child get hurt and sometimes that hurt comes from things people are ignorant of. All children at that age are learning about friendship and are going to make mistakes, that is why I feel parents try to reward their kids for doing the right thing. I am still best friends with 6 girls that have been my best girls since 4, and one thing I have learned from that is these girls love me when I am wrong , they love me when I don’t say the right thing and they also tell me. Our parents didn’t get involved in those dramas and if anything they would guide just their own children. I really look to that example and sometimes when I want so bad to say something, I realize that it best for him to learn even if it means hurting a little. That how we react to some hurt can be a lesson and a gift.
Thank you so much for this article. It was very interesting and I would hope I would have never praised my kids for playing with your kid, but now I know for sure I never will. Hearing others perspectives is always wonderful. Just yesterday I wrote an article on my blog called excuse me while I raise my “problem child”. obviously my child’s agressive behavior is quite different and not as severe but I do recognize some of the same feelings and thought process as you described. The way parents and kids can treat anyone different can have such an impact on both the parent and the impressionable child. I am so glad you are educating us all and being honest about your feelings. Great article.
Alison
Theguiltymommy.com
AWESOME ARTICLES ELLEN
I AM A DOCTOR AND A CP KID
SO ALL CP PARENTS PUSH UR KIDS TO MAX 🙂
Preciosa lección. Felicidades. La compartí en mi blog, espero que no te importe.
Un saludo.
Amalia.
Amalia, te iba a decir que Carmen es quien lo tradujo originalmente al Espanol (que pena, mexicana y no hago mis propias traduciones!) pero ya vi que agregaste esa informacion 🙂