Marcus Lives with Us

The first thing you should know is this: Marcus lives with us, not because he has to but because we want to live together. Like millions, really well over 6 million, families with adult children who live “at home” in the US today, this is the best option for us right now.

For the first 23 years or so, the most common question I received about Marcus was: “What will you do when he grows up?”

Now the most common question is: “Will he always live with you?”

I have an answer for this.

“Maybe.”

This well thought out answer is based on the following factors:

I like having Marcus at home.

Let me take you to a night many years ago.  I hopped downstairs in the split level home we shared with my grandmother. Quinn said, “You look happy.”

“I am.” I smiled.

That night circumstances brought my brother, Tim, to stay with us as well.

The joy of having so many of the people I loved near me and safe, brought the kind of contentment that warms from the inside.  SO, this is not a new emotional trigger for me, wanting the people I love near me and safe; it’s who I am.

Old Mentalities

That said, in the “old days” people kept their children with Down syndrome in their home because a) they planned to outlive their children and b) the other option was institutionalism. These two factors are not the rule anymore.

The life expectancy of a person with Down syndrome is now 60-ish so it’s probably best to plan on longer term care than outliving the child.  And who wants to outlive their own child?

Options

The second and more tangible issue is that adults with Down syndrome have so many more options now that are based on an individual’s capabilities.

Independence and Marcus’ Personality

I could see early on he was both independent and also a homebody. As an infant, if there was an event that brought him out to entertain, as is every baby’s first and most important function, after so many oohs, tickles, smiles and cuddles, he would finally give me the, “Alright-Already,” look. And as I laid him in his crib or playpen you could see the relief cover his face. “Finally!” he seemed to say, “I thought you’d never leave me alone.”

He would get fussy not because he was tired necessarily, but because he just needed space.

And that’s the point I’m slowly, but surely, getting to; he needs his own space.

So at the time, I thought that may likely translate to him wanting to live in an environment away from, well, me.

Independent, but at Home

But then came Quinn. Quinn is perfectly okay and encouraging of Marcus living with us. The house we bought has a finished basement that we have considered turning into a small apartment.  There’s already a bathroom, there’s room for a living and small kitchenette area and a bedroom. But…there are no windows. So the investment to make it safe for sleeping and updated for Marcus to live a bit more independently hasn’t yet made it to the top of our chosen debt investment.

If you follow Grown Ups & Downs, or you know me, you know that when it comes to Marcus, I am a terrible procrastinator. Lucky for you! Because I will be looking into the options for Marcus in our area, not because we are in any rush, per se, but because we need to know and have a back-up plan in place.

When we get to that, I’ll let you know.

In the meantime, don’t look at me like this is some heavy burden. Oy! This is our choice and we like it. But you are still free to ask about it, really, ask away!

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By day Mardra balances a patchwork of community, advocacy, work and family. Also by day she writes. Author of the “Essay: Arguing Eugenics” released in 2013 and the book series The Innocent Prince which is still in the progress. We’d love to see you around the Grown Ups & Downs  Blog, Facebook Page or follow Mardra and Marcus on Twitter.