Dear parent of a child with a disability,
Some people will never get what it is like to walk in our shoes. No matter how many times we try to explain our situation, our child, the challenges our family has to face – no matter how many details we share – the reality is that most people won’t get it. And some people might think we are exaggerating, or that we are not doing enough, and we might feel judged by their words or forgotten by their actions. So I want to say something very important to you, to me, to all of us that have been misunderstood: I know the pain and the hurt because I have felt it too, but, it’s time to forgive and let go.
Before I became a parent to a child with a disability, I did not understand it either. I didn’t get it. To me, disability was something to be afraid of. I did not willingly chose for disability to enter into my life. But it did.
I wonder how many thing I didn’t get before this was my journey.
I wonder if for most of us it might be hard to understand something until we finally live it.
The reality is our families are impacted by disability. Sometimes disability is not a big deal and we can be a regular family, but sometimes the challenges are significant. We face behaviors, delays, frustration, copays, IEPs and roadblocks, and all those comments from other people, their words, their actions, or their stares can be so hurtful.
But they don’t know, they will never get it. And while some people say things intending to be offensive, I truly believe most people are ignorant, not mean. Yet I can so easily hold on to those words, those comments, keep them stored in my heart and allow the hurt to grow, and grow, and grow, until I can no longer find any joy.
In the end I am only hurting myself. I build thick walls around me believing I am protecting myself, but I’m not. Instead I give the power to those words or actions and I isolate myself even more.
A heart consumed with anger or resentment hurts me and my family more than the people who don’t get it.
So it’s time to forgive and let go.
Let go, because when I hold on to the hurt and pain it can easily become all I see before me, behind me, and around me. It keeps me from enjoying life and I know there is beauty, there is peace, there is joy. I want that. I need that.
And the letting go and forgiving is not dependent on the people that won’t get it, it is dependent on me. It is my choice to let go and forgive so that I can allow the good to flow through me.
I try to extend grace, as much as I can afford, because I remember who I used to be.
So friend:
For the comments said in ignorance about your parenting, choose to forgive and let go.
For the comments said in ignorance about your child, choose to forgive and let go.
For the stares from insensitive people, choose to forgive and let go.
For the lack of invites to parties, gatherings, and dinners, choose to forgive and let go.
For the promises of help that never become a reality, choose to forgive and let go.
For the professionals or educators that you feel you have to fight, choose to forgive and let go.
I truly believe that as we offer grace, our words are more easily received. And while people might not get it unless they walk in our shoes, perhaps they will be willing to understand, to learn, to come along our side if we let go and offer some grace.
Forgive, let go.
And for the times that you truly feel like nobody gets it, that nobody will understand your journey, I want you to know something – as a special needs parent I get it. I do. And there are many other special needs parents that get it too. We get it. You are not alone.
Special Needs Parents, Are You Surviving?
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From the bottom of my heart thank you…..I definitely needed to hear this right now, at this time, and you’re right. I am (with God’s grace) in charge of this and able to do so…..I am so glad I found your site…very inspirational and supportive!
Kathryn, I know it is not easy, because some hurt runs deep, but oh it is so good to let go! I know I have some things to forgive and let go of too. And I am so glad you are here 🙂
I agree, its really hard to forgive!! Some days I am good at it, other days I hold on like a dog with a bone!
I needed to read this today….it’s been a tough couple of weeks dealing with others who don’t get it. I was on my bed crying and then I stumbled across your blog. Thank you for writing this and reminding me that there are people who understand.
Tricia I’m glad you made your way here. Praying for you!
Oh, thank you so very much for this! I’ve become an ugly wad of resentment, recently, and your post was a beautiful reminder that forgiveness is always a choice, not a reaction. Whether I like it or not, most people will never understand our situation, nor how we live it. But God asks me to forgive and love them, not beat them into getting it. And, as always, he leads by his perfect example of Jesus. I just need to follow.
Thank you for this bright spark of encouragement during a particularly dark period.
Marith, I’m glad this was helpful for you 🙂
Bless you ! I needed to read this right now. With the 4th of July coming up, we have parties, parades and fireworks. Fun fun fun.
But I am tired, tired, tired. And my son is facing a few challenges.
For the last several days I have been trying to figure out how to fit it all in…..preparing food, packing up things for my son, where to park…..you know what I am talking about. We can’t just “up and go”. But I have been feeling guilty and bad because I want to go to these parties and see these friends. And the friends are always very accepting of Sean . But am I trying to put to many things on my already heaped plate. Your message reminds me I can pick and choose . I don’t have to go to all, I don’t have to do all. Thank you so much.
This is exactly how I feel today! Not in the beginning, as I was hurt and angry at anyone who dared not to get it… As time passed and I became more wise and mature in my journey, I’ve learned that we cannot expect anyone who hasn’t actually been there to ever get it. I’ve since forgiven them AND myself.
Thanks for putting it into words!
I think the hardest part is when those in our family are the ones making the hurtful comments towards our children. I am still trying to figure out how to forgive that.
Yes Katie, family is always the hardest.
I find that the older my daughter gets, she’s 20 now, and the older I get, I’m 57, the more isolated I get. I’m finding it harder to explain her to people and embarrassed, not by her, but by the way my house is set up and disorganized. I wish I could forgive all or not worry about what other people say or think about me. But when someone say’s to me, I’m a Good Mother, it feels like they just gave me a million bucks. This was a good read, but it sounds easier than my and my daughter’s lives really are. Thanks for letting me share.