I wanted to know why my son, Kyle, had epilepsy. I wanted to know why he was born with special needs. I wanted to know why any child had to suffer and endure hardship. I was full of questions and was struggling with my faith in God.
There were so many people praying for Kyle yet he still had epilepsy and developmental delays and couldn’t speak. My daughter, Kaylie, would even ask me at times, “Mom, we prayed that Kyle’s seizures would go away. So why does Kyle still have seizures?” How do I answer my young daughter when I don’t even understand myself?
Even though I was confused and hurting, I knew that the best thing I could do was continue reading the Bible and any story of hope. At one of the respite events provided by a local special needs ministry in our area, I was given a devotional book written by Joni Eareckson Tada. Joni became a quadriplegic as a result of a diving accident at age 17. During her two years of rehabilitation, she suffered anger, depression, and doubts about her faith. As a result, she founded Joni and Friends, a Christian ministry dedicated to the special needs community.
Her story provided me encouragement and she explained in one of her devotionals that people are watching and observing our lives and will see how we handle tough situations. She wrote, “One of the best things we can do for our brothers and sisters in Christ is to gain victory in our trials. Your perseverance and joy will profoundly influence the lives of others who observe you.”
The moment I read that, all I could think was, “Who observes me more than any other person? Who is glued to my side much of the day and who I secretly call ‘my little shadow?’ My daughter.”
Kaylie is with me more than any other person and she sees how I handle very tough situations with Kyle. I would like to say that I handle every tough situation with patience and poise, but I don’t. I don’t keep it all together all of the time and I sometimes lose my patience. And Kaylie is watching. She hears how I apologize when I react in a way that I shouldn’t. She observes how I choose to find something positive, or something we can learn, from a very trying time we have had with Kyle. She also sees how I pray for Kyle.
I told Kaylie, “I don’t know why Kyle has seizures or why he has special needs. But I do know that God hears our prayers and I do know this for certain: Kyle will receive full healing in heaven.”
“Then, I want to go to heaven now,” said Kaylie.
So, what about the meantime? I pray that my husband and I will be able to offer the best life that we can for Kyle. Even if we must wait until heaven to see Kyle’s complete healing, I will still praise and glorify God now. I have to rest in knowing that I can’t have all of my questions answered right now. I can’t fully grasp God’s perspective and timing and plans. I have to remind myself that this life is not all about me. Or Kyle. It’s about God’s purpose and plans. He does want us to enjoy our life while here on earth and so despite these challenges, that is what I strive to do.
I persevere. I choose to believe in God. I choose to have joy each day regardless of the trials of that day. It’s not always easy. I don’t always succeed and still have my doubts and bad days. But, I’m allowed to have a day like that now and then and on those days, I seek encouragement and hope from God’s word or from others who are persevering amidst challenges.
We put Kyle to bed one night and with her childlike faith, Kaylie said, “Mom, I want to pray for Kyle tonight. Dear God, we pray that you would take Kyle’s seizures away; far, far away!”
Romans 5:3 – 5 “But we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope.”
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Kelli McIntosh is a wife and the mother of two children. Her 8-year old son, Kyle, has special needs and as a result, Kelli has been on a journey the last 8 years that she never would have imagined. She blogs at Not Just Anyone to share how she has learned to accept her son’s diagnosis while still holding on to faith and hope. She encourages her readers to focus on life circumstances with a positive perspective. You can connect with her at Not Just Anyone, Facebook, or Pinterest.
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Thank you for your encouraging post so beautifully written. You remind me of my mother who raised seven children the youngest of which is a special needs child. This was in the 1960’s and she was pretty isolated in a small community far from family at the time. My mother has such a great attitude and it was a privilege to see her demonstrate love and compassion every day growing up. She is my hero and I still strive to be more like her every day. You are having the same impact on your daughter and son. Your son is blessed to have a mother of faith who prays for him so faithfully and does all she can to help him. Your daughter will grow up to be compassionate and caring and full of faith like her mother. God bless you for sharing your story.
Anita,
Thank you so much for your comment! That must have been tough for your mom to not be close to family. I am so thankful that I have my parents and my husband’s parents in the same town to help when needed. I really appreciate your encouraging words; it is just what I needed to read today!
When I read the title of this post, I HAD to read it. My son had his first visible seizure this week. He has nonverbal Autism, we adopted both of our children from foster care, and I’m battling a rare disease, so needless to say our life is full, and when something terrifying comes along it compounds everything. I struggle, and this really encourages me, I know my daughter is watching closely and I’ve failed so many times, this gives me even more encouragement to be a better me. I pray God will fill my holes, I always do, but maybe this will help me even more. Thank you.