She fell again. She falls often. She falls down and gets back up. This time – like many other times – she wasn’t thinking about walking or balancing, she was playing and squealing and laughing like little girls do when they play, and in keeping up with the other girls she took a wrong step. She barely had time to break her fall, but she fell on something soft, we could tell she wasn’t hurt…on the outside.

last kid at the playground

It was Thanksgiving break and grandparents were visiting as were some family friends. Everyone asked if she was okay. She pulled to a stand and leaned against the couch, hiding her face.

“Is she okay?”

“Yeah.” My husband said, “I think she’s embarrassed.”

I walked to her and whispered in her ear, “Do you want me to pick you up and hold you?”

She nodded.

I sat on the couch with her on my lap, her face twisted trying to hold back the tears, “I’m so clumsy!” She said, “I’m so clumsy!”

“Oh sweetheart, that’s not true! Sometimes it’s hard for your body to move the way you want it to.”

“I don’t like having cerebral palsy!”

“I know.” I hugged her tight, “Other people don’t have to think about walking, you do. Sometimes, when you are playing and having fun, I bet it’s hard to remember to focus on how you move your body.”

“I’m so clumsy. I should use my walker, or use my wheelchair all the time. It would be better.”

“I don’t think you would like that.” I said. “You would want to get up and walk, even if you fall again.”

“No.”

“Yes you would, you know how I know that?”

“How.”

“Because that is what you do every day. Every day you know you can fall but you choose to walk. And you like to run, I know you like the freedom you get when you walk. And you know what else?”

“What.”

“It take s a lot of courage to walk even when you know you will fall. I think you have a lot of courage. You have more courage than anyone else I know.”

She smiled.

“We all have to work really hard at some things, and we don’t always get those things right. For you, it’s walking, for me -”

“It’s cleaning.”

I tickled her, “You get a raspberry on your belly for that!”

I know cerebral palsy will most likely be one area of my daughter’s life that she will often wish was different. Sometimes there is physical pain, or muscles that spasm and she cannot control them, and there are intrusive surgeries to help her gain more mobility or fix bone deformities; often she’s the kid that comes in last at the playground. Those are the struggles, and she is so aware of it, she doesn’t like it.

And we let her feel those feelings because I know what it is like to fight something in yourself that you wish was different. That is why in my personal life I depend on God, to help me see His plan and goodness in my life, even in the midst of hardships or my shortcomings.

I cannot take cerebral palsy away from her, but I can remind her of the good that has come from it, the good that happens in spite of it, and the person that she is outside of it. Her life is not defined by her disability, she needs to know that, believe that, and I will keep reminding her.

She might fall, but that is because she was standing!

She might trip, but that is because she was running!

She might have bruised legs and knees, but that is because she chooses every day to be courageous, to get up and walk…even if she falls.

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