I posted this on my personal blog a couple of weeks ago. I debated whether to post it here or not, because it feels so…well… personal. However, ever since I shared with you why I write, I felt like I was cheating by not sharing here too, and being real. So today, you get to see into a very vulnerable place, because this is part of my brokenness.
As much as I share about brokenness, there are some broken places I don’t write about. Mainly because I don’t know where to draw the line when it comes to writing or sharing about ministry. When your husband is a pastor, church is a big part of your life.
Church has been hard. Really hard. Maybe it is the difference between being the associate pastor to being the senior pastor, I really don’t know. But I do know that it has been hard.
This summer, I was ready to walk out. Not just out of the church, but I was done with ministry for good.
We were in the pits of discouragement.
Andy and I attended a pastor’s retreat at that time, and I don’t know where I would be in my heart if it had not been for that time spent away and resting before the Lord.
In a small church, you end up doing all the jobs, and you also end up getting all the heat (for the things you do or the things you don’t do).
Oh some things have been good, exciting even! Some new people have come and our church is now hosting a clothing give away once a month that I really love to be a part of. Yet, the ministry here has been hard and incredibly lonely.
And this is where I struggle to share more, because it is still so hard and so lonely.
Emotional distress has a way of affecting your physical health too. I’ve always had anxiety issues. I even joked about being hypochondriac, but these issues became very real for me. Almost a year ago, after another night of sleeplessness and realizing I could no longer function, I told my husband I was making an appointment and going to the doctor to get some meds. I have always been one to encourage women who need help to deal with depression or anxiety to do what they need to do to get rid of the veil that blinds them and keeps them from enjoying life. It was incredibly difficult to look at myself and realize that I needed help too. It was humbling to “trade places” and be in the receiving end.
It is especially hard when you see your child being so susceptible to your emotional issues that you begin to see some of those (in a smaller scale) in them too. What a wakeup call!
Although I did not take meds for long, I found some other supplements that worked well to keep my anxiety manageable. I have changed my diet and I take a lot of supplements because my issues are also related to some significant deficiencies in my body. Adrenal fatigue and hormonal imbalance do a lot to your brain’s chemistry that prevent those neurotransmitters from firing properly. Of course there are spiritual issues going on too.
It has been a slow progress, and writing this makes me feel like a failure and a whiner. But it is the truth, and it is part of my brokenness.
I also know that I have been doing this in my own strength, keeping God at arms length. Recently, I have been convicted about my prayerlessness, and the fact that if I read my Bible 10 times last year I might be pushing it. Yes, I am the pastor’s wife whose Bible gathered dust throughout 2012. Because for some reason some people expect a pastor’s wife to be more spiritual than your average woman. I am not, I am so broken. And this year I have done a lot of asking Him, “Are you in this? Do you care? Why did you bring us here?”
But I know God is not done with me yet, He is not done with this little church either. He has not promised that things will get better, and I am not planning on that either, but He has promised to be with us. So this year, I am clinging on tight. This year, I am getting down on my knees because I desperately need Him.
My eyes will focus on Jesus because I know it is still going to be hard, but doing it on my own was no good. I just need Him.
Whatever His plan and purpose is, He has us here now. And even if there is a storm, His mighty hands hold me tight.
***
We have had some conversations on the church front, and we are beginning to feel encouraged. However, if you think about us, will you pray?
I am not sure how much I will be talking about issues of anxiety, but I might start talking about this more. I think we need to talk about this, encourage one another, and remind each other that we are not alone.
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Thanks for being honest Ellen. I too have had the wake up call of seeing my anxiety mirrored back at me in my children.
I think I too have been trying to ‘keep God at arm’s length’ and hope to cling to Him this year through reading my bible and praying more.
Thanks Ellen for sharing. I know it is hard when people expect you to be ‘perfect’ so they have a role model. In reality, only Jesus can be our role model. We need to embrace each other weaknesses and all and recognize that we are all equally needy.
Do take care of yourself…:-)
Thank you for sharing, such honesty. I guess that first step to healing and moving forward is the ability to admit it honestly to yourself.
Take care of yourself
Thank you for your honest sharing. I am praying for you.
Thanks for sharing this :). We’re in the middle of seminary and my husband is a vicar this year. It’s an interesting place to be and nothing I ever aspired to be (a pastor’s wife) as so many ladies I knew in college hoped to be. I’m happy to be here but of course even as the Vicar’s wife I’m affected by those stresses of church ministry and, I too, am no more stronger than the next woman.
Jen, you will be an awesome pastor’s wife. You are REAL! And you don’t pretend to have it all together or that you ever did. Think about our college times, can you believe we are here?
Thank you for sharing! You are a great pastor’s wife, I can tell because you are honest and real. I feel as thought I was ment to find your blog and read it. I have been keeping god at arms length also. But that has to change. My emotions are starting to reflect on my kids. Its sad when my 5 year old is constantly asking if im ok and whats wrong? and when I tell him everything is ok and im fine ,he’ll say mom don’t lie ,I can tell when your sad. Will pray for you and hopefully you will pray for me too.
Absolutely! I will be praying for you.
I stumbled upon your blog randomly and just wanted to say I feel like you have taken my life and have written it down. Thank you for being so honest about your ministry life, it is so refreshing to read real thoughts, feelings, and experiences.
Thank you Jess 🙂
Hi, I just happened upon your blogs and they drew me in! I love your honesty and just your openness in writing. I too have struggled with anxiety and was so hesitant to take any meds because of what I thought the stigma was. But with my family’s encouragement, I decided to reach out for help and while I only took them for a short while, I now know that there is nothing wrong with needing and seeking what will help you in the moment.
I also loved your post about being “real” in church. My pastor does touch upon that from time to time, which I appreciate. He stresses the importance of getting to know people truly, including their struggles. Although it is easier said than done!
Suzanne, I am so glad you made it here! Thank you for sharing your story, we need to be reminded we are not alone!