There are Sundays I would rather stay home in my pajamas. In those days I go to church because I want to support my husband, and because I feel like I have to.
I usually enjoy going to church, it is a place of renewal, encouragement, and support. Nonetheless, there have been times in life when I would like to pull away and do my own thing, but I can’t because I am a pastor’s wife. So I have dragged my children to church after having a rotten morning, put on my happy face and answered, “Good!” with a big smile when people ask, “How are you this morning?” Because I know people don’t really care, it has been years since someone stopped me at church and asked, “How are you really doing?” As a matter of fact, this has only happened once in my ten years in ministry.
It happened three years ago, we had been home for only a couple of months after adopting Nina. I left church early, and had the girls buckled in the car when my dear friends approached me in the parking lot.
“Ellen, we are worried about you. How are you really doing?”
I couldn’t even answer them. I broke down and began sobbing; I literally fell into their arms and cried and cried. I was not doing well at all emotionally. They helped me come up with a plan where I could do some self-care and ways they could help our family along with our “adoptive grandparents.” That was God lifting me up through other people.
Ministry can be extremely rewarding, but it can also be hard. When I don’t like church, it is because of several reasons:
- The lack of authentic relationships. Sometimes, it feels like there is a lot of pretending at church – like we all had it figured out. Well, I don’t!
- The pressure of being the perfect wife, mom, and Bible Study Leader extraordinaire. I might be a pastor’s wife, but I am a person facing the same struggles and challenges all women face. Some people find it uncomfortable when the pastor’s wife admits to shortcomings.
- Doing it all. I have certain gifts and passions, but when I become the designated leader of whatever ministry needs to be filled, I minister outside of my gifting and I feel emotionally drained.
- People that don’t like my husband or his choices. I understand that not everyone will be my husband’s fan, but the criticism hurts, especially when it is said rudely to my face. Or when people make assumptions with no willingness to talk things through.
- The lack of support as a wife, mom, and special needs mom. Maybe we are supposed to have it all together – being a pastor’s family – and maybe people assume we don’t need help. We do.
- If I am not doing well emotionally or spiritually, it is difficult to attend church. I am a broken person with much need for grace and mercy like everyone else. I have a big and amazing God that carries me through these times and holds me in his arms while I wrestle, and question, and cry.
You might not be a pastor’s wife, but maybe you can identify with me. There is no perfect church, perfect family, or perfect people. So for now, I hold on to the promise that even through the hard times in ministry, God is good. And good doesn’t mean easy, it means that God has it all figured out, and I need to trust in Him alone.
Photo courtesy of worradmu/freedigitalphotos.net
Special Needs Parents, Are You Surviving?
I created a guide with 13 practical ways to help you find peace in the midst of chaos, opt in to make sure you get a copy of this freebie!
I’ve always felt that the hardest “job” in the world is being a pastor’s wife. You have my respect and admiration.
Hi Ellen, I just wrote about this last night on my blog. I love my church but I have a daughter with Down syndrome. They have shown incredible support however I’ve had individuals say some pretty crazy stuff to me in the name of God for my daughter. I believe church should be the safest, most caring compassionate place for our kiddos. Not a place where you feel condemned or judged because you have a special needs kid. I’m thankful I don’t feel that at my church.
Leilani, I stopped by and read your post and left a comment. I have so many thoughts going through my head, I might address those here through blog posts. Maybe I need to begin talking more about Faith and disability. Thank you so much for leaving a comment so we could connect!
Hi Ellen,
Good on you for writing this. I am not a pastors wife, but after having my twins 8 years ago, both whom have CP,I just couldn’t go to church anymore. I would bust myself to get 2x toddlers there only to be paranoid about leaving them in strangers care, knowing they wouldn’t be watched, like I watch them, from falls and drooling and being pushed over.
I would also cry in church, I couldn’t sing and I couldn’t help but look at everyone whose children were healthy and envy them.
If I heard the word Blessed one more time I would want to scream ‘ why were your children blessed and not mine’.
Anyway, all the way from Melbourne Australia, you are not alone.
Mandy
Mandy, I do wish every church was equipped or ready to receive those with special needs. That is the goal at our church, and hopefully you will be able to find a church someday that will embrace your family. We are all part of one body, including children and adults with disabilities, we all need one another. Sending you hugs!
I can definitely relate. My husband ran from the calling and I encouraged him to surrender because he was so miserable. After he surrendered, it hit me what this decision meant for me. Then, I ran and, sometimes I am still running. I am not the quiet preacher’s wife that sits in a corner and I’ve tried to make myself fit the mold. Finally, I’ve given up and started praying that if God wanted me to be that way, He will have to make me that way. Otherwise, I felt/feel so defeated. My mother-in-law was a pastor’s wife and she fits that perfect mold and is so sweet. My husband is so sweet and everyone loves him but for 30+ years I feel like I can never measure up and he surely was supposed to be married to someone else that is more like his mother.
God made you unique to fill a unique calling. Be yourself! Bring your own FRESH, fun perspective to your church!
((Hugs and prayers))
Hi, Ellen. 🙂 I found you through pinterest. Thank you for sharing so honestly. The last few years we’ve been ministering at a small church, and I have really missed some things I appreciated about our previous church, such as corporate worship, strong volunteer base, etc. So, some Sundays I don’t feel like going either – it just seems like so much work. I’m thankful for other pastor’s wives like you who are willing to be authentic!
Jen, I hear you!
Often at church I feel really lonely as the pastor’s wife. I sit alone on the front row. I leave alone with my children as my husband stays to greet people or have after church meetings. I hold my feelings inside so that I won’t interrupt my husband’s mental preparation to give a sermon. I hold my tongue when things happen in the church that are frustrating or when people say things that are hurtful. I second guess myself constantly because people so quickly take things personally, even if no reasonable human being in any other non-church would be offended in the least. I’m in charge of a bunch of things I don’t want to be in charge of, that I didn’t start, and then I feel pressure to do those things perfectly….and often that pressure isn’t just a feeling, it’s a real, tangible thing. And sometimes I just want to run away from it all and go to church somewhere else. I mean if I’m sitting by myself anyway, then why can’t I go sit alone in a church where no one expects anything out of me? Reading your blog post makes me feel just a little less like a terrible person.
You are NOT a terrible person. You are a woman, like every other woman. With dreams, hopes, struggles, and hard days. Sending you a big hug!
I agree with everything you have said, but my real problem is that I feel like my husband and I are social lepers because he is a minister. No one invites us to parties or events, maybe because they think we are too conservative? It leads to a pretty lonely existence.
Sue, yes, and it is hurtful. I have had to be the one to invite myself before, a “Can I join you?” situation, which is still hard to do, because my first thought is, “Why didn’t they invite me? Did they forget me?” Both hard questions, really. Also, we realized that if we wanted to be invited, perhaps we needed to do the inviting. Last, my closest friend is not from church, it is nice to hang out with people that don’t see you as their “pastor” and “pastor’s wife.” I say this today, after my husband and I having dinner with her and her husband. It was so nice!
you are a brave woman, thank you for speaking what has been scary to speak for many of us. Know this: that in your brokenness and transparency the Lord has used you and so it is evident to me that what you and I and many other pastors wives go through is not in vain… God is indeed in control! He is faithful!
He is indeed faithful! Thanks so much for stopping by Brisy.
Thank you for reminding me that my pastor’s wife is a real woman. Next time I see her, i will let her know how much she means to me. Thank you, pastor wives. I’m sorry that we hurt you. May God bless all of you and those you love.
My heart aches as I read this. I am a hurting pastor’s wife. Please pray for me.
Lea, praying (I sent you an email)
I am a Pastors wife (almost 10 years) married for 12 years. Me and my husband have gone thru the biggest trial thus far but it has brought about so much growth in me and my husband. Sadly some people have made it an issue and have left the church for personal preferences that weren’t biblical. It’s sad that when people who have done far worse in their walk with Him; me and my husband have come alongside them, loved them, rebuked them in love when needed but always dealt with them privately and only involved those that needed to be (forgiveness, restored relationships, marriages, finances) but when I made a mistake but made it right with the parties involved, others felt the need to make an example of me, some in whom have done worse then what I did; just because I’m the Pastors wife. I have chosen to focus on my marriage and our kids and with the support of all those who understand and love us.
Thank you! I needed to hear that someone feels the same. I am broken down right now. I just really needed this.
Ms. Ellen,
Thank you sooooo much for writing this. Today was one of those days that I needed this the most. I’ve been a pastor’s wife for almost 5 years now and have never felt so much stress, pain and suffered physically like I have in these past 5 years. From the beginning of our ministry I’ve heard or people in my church have made comments like “All she knows how to do is sing and laugh”, “She does nothing but sing, she does not preach, she does not go up front to minister to people; all she does is sing and work the computer” , “She is not pastor material”, etc. All these things even from people who have said love me. I five years, I have had 2 or 3 people say something positive to me like “I love the way you teach” (because I recently started teaching leadership classes that I previously took) and the other one told me that God talked to her through me when I advised her or talk to her when she was going through a tough time. I feel like I am always been pointed out and called out on anything I do not do or do wrong. Church has become an uncomfortable place for me; much different than my job. At work, I feel appreciated, people love on me, ask me how I’m doing, pray for me and care and never see anything negative in me. I am told “We Love Liza” all the time; I am constantly Thanked, especially by my boss and my co-workers. Patients tell me how I brighten their day all the time. If they only knew how my heart is hurting; but I sure love on them and make them smile no matter how much I am hurting inside. I finally asked a pastor’s wife and counselor at work today to pray for me because I couldn’t handle it anymore; I told her that the only reason I didn’t quit and kept doing the work I do at church was because I wanted to support my husband and I did not want to fail God. After talking to her, I felt much better. But I think this will be a process. Is not easy not to be accepted and having to keep going in a place where they see you as unworthy of your position or job.
I read this and I feel like I am not alone; I guess there are a lot of pastor’s wife that feel the same; which is sad. But Jesus never said this would be an easy road and in fact, it is for brave people!
Liza, sending you hugs. No, you are not alone! Praying for you.
Ellen, I feel that God led me to your site tonight. And I actually stayed home from church, I just could not go. This morning I went to Sunday school and purposely didn’t greet anyone, ask how anyone was etc. to see if anyone would greet me, say hello etc. not one. Year after year the same. Is this what God really wants for me? The pain gets harder and harder to bear. I go to support my husband. I too like Liza,get treated better by the world. I have no interest in our church. Please pray for me, I’m getting bitter and I don’t want to.
I have been praying and just realized I did not answer here. Feel free to email me so we can talk some more and connect.
Thank you so much for your honesty, I thought I was the only person who felt like this. I feel like I have had to conceal so much of myself just to be in any way acceptable. We are going through a tremendously difficult time at the moment with a really hard church situation so I really needed to read this today
Praying for you and the church situation.
Almost too painful to read! You and your readers comments summed up so much of what I am currently experiencing. Being a pastor’s wife is a challenging job title. My heart wishes I could please everyone…knowing that I can’t doesn’t change how much it hurts when we aren’t “liked” for a choice made by my husband or myself. Thank you for bravely sharing your heart!
Holly, you are not alone!
I am not alone! Reading this, reading the comments, helped me to realize that others are going through the same thing as I! Though it breaks my heart that other women are going through the pain, the hurt and the unfairness of being the Pastors wife, I will pray for everyone of you, and I want everyone to pray for me! I’ve been debating all day, whether yo go to church or not. I’d love to be able to go to the church, where I have no responsibility, no one having a constant eye to see if I make a mistake, no one nit picking my husband or my children. … I just feel so broken from our church right now. I am very new into the Pastors wife thing.. Just 3 years, and I must say, it is nothing like what I thought it was.. And it makes me sad. Thank you for listening to me vent, I’m trying to stay strong, and through the our Lord I believe I can overcome the trials in our church. Much love and prayers! – Elizabeth Grace.
Praying for you. I get it, hugs.
It is like someone read my diary. I often feel guilty for feeling like this.