Dear Teacher,

On my daughter’s birthday a few weeks ago, our family sat on the living room floor before she opened her presents and we all shared one thing about her we appreciate. When it was my turn I cried. She wasn’t surprised at my emotional state (it happens to me quite often). But I’m so incredibly proud of who she is that it spills out in tears! She knows how I feel about her, she feels it too. It’s probably why she can tell ahead of time when I’m going to turn into a blubbering mess, “Mom, are you getting to get emotional?” But it makes me happy to know that she knows. Because for all the times I’ve messed up (which are plenty) she knows she’s loved, and cherished, and celebrated, and adored.

This little girl is more amazing than anything I imagined. She makes my life better. She makes me better.

I believe the greatest joys we have in life come through relationships, and Ellie is one of the greatest gifts in my life. I thank God that He chose me to be her mom.

Did you ever watch that awful movie, “Austin Powers?” Okay, so I have actually never watched it, but I know there is a “mini-me” character. Ellie is my mini-me.

ellie and I

Not too long ago we sat and watched an episode of, “America’s Funniest Home Videos,” on Netflix. We watch as a boy is sitting at a desk doing his homework and looks up to see a huge spider walking on the wall. Then I don’t know what got into the boy but he gets up, grabs the spider, and he eats it! Seriously, he grabs the spider and starts shoving it into his mouth! So Ellie and I, in unison, scream, “Ah!” and we cover our eyes at the same time, then turn towards each other and get our heads super close. Then slowly, oh so slowly, we lift one of our hands to take a peak and scream again, in unison, “Oh my goodness!” and coward together again. Our synchronization was so perfectly synchronized that we were laughing hard about it. My mini-me.

I like that she is so much like me, and maybe this shows how self-centered I am. But it means we have many shared interests. We talk about life. It means we do things together and have a great time, just the two of us. And sometimes she’s so much like me it makes me sad, because I see the bad of me in her too. And those parts humble me, because I wish I had kept the ugly inside and not displayed it so much for her to learn.

Ellie is also a mini-me when it comes to anxiety. So there are times she is so anxious that she has trouble sleeping. You might see that at school too. Anxiety is genetic, but it’s also common for kids who have siblings with disabilities. Much of who Ellie is has been impacted by who her sisters are. It’s true that people change people.

Ellie has had to make some sacrifices because of her sisters. Perhaps she has had more responsibilities than some kids her age. At times she ends up being my helper. I wish she didn’t have to do as much, but this is the reality for our family. She’s been shaped by her life experiences and when I look at her, there is not a more compassionate, caring, accepting, and kind human being walking on this earth.

Ellie works hard at school and takes pride in her accomplishments. She knows we are proud of her regardless of her grades, but she still tries her best. That’s the thing with Ellie, she will always give you 100%

She is not an athletic kid.

She gets lost in books.

She is an artist (someday I hope my walls are covered with her art).

When she reads a book out loud, she reads with different intonations in her voice, so you always know which character is speaking.

No matter how frustrated or annoyed she is with a friend, she will chose to be kind.

She respects other people.

The silliest things make her giggle.

She thrives in praise. (I guess that is part of our shared humanity, isn’t it? We all want to be praised and affirmed.)

Ellie is not your typical fourth grader. She is actually not your typical kid. Ellie has never lived a typical life or grown up with typical siblings. When she was only two years old her baby sister was born with Down syndrome. While I struggled with her diagnosis, Ellie taught me about how to accept people unconditionally. It didn’t matter to Ellie her sister had a disability, it only mattered that Nichole was her sister and she loved her. With her full speech at only two years old, Ellie met her baby sister at the hospital and held her while sitting on my lap, then said, “Oh baby, oh baby! I love you! Don’t cry!” And she started singing “Jesus Loves Me.”

Nichole is Born! 037

And that has never changed. Nichole is Ellie’s sister, she loves her, and her diagnosis doesn’t matter because there is so much love!

sister love

When Ellie was four and Nichole was two, we adopted Nina from Ukraine. Nina has cerebral palsy and significant trauma (and a diagnosis of PTSD) so we are not only a special needs family, but a trauma family as well. So many times it’s been hard to parent Nina, because one of the ways we see trauma displayed is as reactive attachment disorder. She pushes me away, she won’t let me love her. She does it to her sisters too. And many times when I’ve felt like a failure, here comes Ellie, reminding me that Nina doesn’t mean to do what she does to us, that she forgives her sister because she understands how hard it must have been for her before she had a family. And this is the amazing little girl that will be sitting in your class this year.

So praise her for a job well done. Challenge her because she is extremely bright. Be gentle because she has a tender heart.

Editor’s note: My daughter’s teacher sent the parents homework. Our assignment was to tell her in one million words or less about our kids so she knows her students better, she can help them succeed this year, and so she understands each child’s unique personalities. This is the letter I sent to her.

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