Several months ago I realized life was more than I can handle, but it was just recently I understood it meant I needed to make changes — changes I’ve had to grieve because I have to let go of things I’ve held close to me for so long and worked so hard to build.
Last April, as my husband and I drove to our weekly lunch date I said, “I feel overwhelmed by the uncertainty of our lives.” My husband had accepted an internship in Minnesota as a requisite to complete his master’s degree in counseling (mid-life change in careers). We were excited to move back to Minnesota to be close to family, but all my attempts to find a full-time job to support my family seemed futile.
My husband reminded me we live by faith and we trusted that God would open doors and provide for us. Honestly, I didn’t find that very reassuring, “In a few weeks,” he said, “things could look quite different.”
And he was right. Within two weeks, in May, I was offered a full-time position as the Parenting Editor for The Mighty, we sold our home in Wisconsin and bought a home in Minnesota (because the housing market, at the time, was moving faster than a New York second).
We moved out of our house at the end of June, I started my job July 1st, we moved into our new home July 15th, the girls started new schools in a new state needing new evaluations and IEPs and health care providers and all the things parents of kids with disabilities understand — not to mention the reality and stress of moving to another state.
I feel I am still trying to keep my head above water.
Most of my writing is now for The Mighty and Group (they pay the bills, after all) so at the end of the work day, I want to close my computer and enjoy my family, not create more content.
I’ve felt guilty. I have not been able to keep up with the podcast, the freebies, the resources, the posts. But I am spent. When I realized I couldn’t do it all, I had to grieve that. I cannot keep a blogging schedule or a podcast schedule. Things I hold close as I have invested so much of me, it’s hard to loosen the grip and let go for this season in life. My anxiety — not surprisingly — has been at an all time high and my doctor suggested I see a therapist. Yes please!
So what does this mean? For a season, this will be my “fun” place. I will still write about parenting kids with disabilities, about church and disability ministry, maybe about books or about being an immigrant or about how amazing it is to live in the Twin Cities where there are ample resources available for my kids we didn’t have access to before. But I won’t be able to keep a blogging schedule; that is more than I can handle at this time.
I plan to share something I am thankful for every day during 2018, because I know cultivating thankfulness is something I need.
And I will continue to do this “messy and hard” with you if you allow me to. Sometimes life is more than we can handle, but we do not have to do this alone either.
If this is you, too, know that I see you and you are not alone.
So here is to a new year. A new year full of possibilities and connection and encouragement. A year where we can focus on the blessings we receive each day, no matter how small.
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