“I feel like such a failure, I mean, I’m trying to do everything I can to get services for my son but I’m not getting anywhere. His behaviors are getting so challenging. It’s just been…hard. My house is a mess, I forgot to pay for a school field trip, we ran out of clean underwear and my husband and I are fighting all the time.” She sits across from me holding a coffee mug with both hands, a lonely tear snakes down her cheek.
“You’re not a failure.”
“I sure feel like one,” she says.
“But you’re not.”
“My son seems so far behind even compared to other kids with the same diagnosis, what am I not doing right?”
I hear the agony in her voice.
“Who is calling insurance trying to get therapy approved?”
“Well of course I am, I’ve been calling them everyday for three days.”
“See, you’re not a failure.”
She shakes her head.
“Who sits with him at night when he cannot sleep?”
“I do,” she says.
“You’re not a failure. Who spent two weeks at the hospital with him because of surgery complications and actually had to help doctors understand his medical condition?”
“I did.”
“Not a failure. Who is going into the schools to make sure that his IEP is followed and that he has the right supports in the classroom?”
“I am.”
“You’re not a failure. Who knows the best way to get him settled down when he has a sensory overload?”
“I do.”
“You’re not a failure. Who spent three years raising money for a car ramp?”
“I did.”
“You’re not a failure. Who is your child’s most fierce and devoted advocate?”
“I am.”
“That does not sound like a failure to me. Who knows him better than anyone else? Who understand his needs even with limited communication? Who cheers him on and celebrates his accomplishments no matter how small? Who witnesses the beauty of his life? Who is always present, ever loving, and willing to do whatever it takes to help him?”
“That’s me.”
She grabs for a napkin and wipes her eyes.
“Just sometimes it’s so easy to focus on the fact that he seems so far behind,” she says.
“But that is not a reflection of you as his parent, that’s just where he is at right now.”
“I think sometimes that’s the hard part, because I wish life was easier for him, I wish I could fix everything for him.”
“I think that’s part of being a special needs parent, you care so much because you love him, and there is nothing you wouldn’t do for your son.”
“No, I would move mountains for him if I had to, or at least I would try.”
“And you already are. You’re not a failure.”
“I love him, just the way he is,” she says.
“I know you do.”
“He’s my life.”
“I know he is.”
“I just need…”
“A date night.”
“Yes! A date night, oh that would be nice!”
“Okay, so let’s talk about respite.”
“Yes, let’s talk.”
“But hey, remember, you’re not a failure.”
Friend, if you parent kids with disabilities, it is possible that at times you struggle with similar feelings and you feel like a failure.
Today, I want you to know that you’re not a failure, you give so much for your child, your love runs deep and wide and pushes you to move mountains. Your child’s development is not a result of your parenting. You are enough. You’re not a failure.
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Needed this today. Life just gets so hectic sometimes we forget all our children have learned and how far they’ve come…thank you for sharing!
Thanks for this well-timed post! I have supports in place for the special needs, and have taught my children things deemed impossible by the experts, but sadly, just can’t seem to get some of the ‘normal’ things–a well-timed snack, an overnight with grandparents, playdates…it’s easy to feel like a failure when I fail at the supposedly ‘simple’ things for my kids!
Thanks for reminding me of all the things I have done well!
You are always right on time with your words of wisdom. Today my husband came home from work and I declare I was “at wits end”. For 2 days I have been fighting off the teary eyes, for things that might not seem like much to those around me in the waiting rooms of cardiologist, audiologist…
Good news. My wonderful husband entertained the girls for a couple of hours and I’m recharged to take on the world, my small part of it anyway=)
My son’s kindergarten teacher said the best thing to me the other day. She could see we had been having a hard time. She said ‘often parents of kids with challenging behaviour only see the challenging behaviour, but I can tell you that I see all the work you are putting into your son and its there, he is showing the work you have put into him. You need to know he is learning and progressing’.
Isn’t that great! Just thought I would share as I am sure I am not the only parent who gets stuck just seeing the challenges.
Jenni, thanks for sharing, it is encouraging to hear and important to be reminded of that!
needed this so badly. I am a single mom to 4.5year old special needs boy (epilepsy) and I have been going left and right, busting my butt getting him support and the right place. I have visited 4 public schools and 2 special needs schools. He is too developed for special needs private school and needs too much 1:1 for a public school. I am frustrated and exhausted trying to find him the love and supervision he needs and I need the comfort in a reliable person who will be his advocate as I am alone. It is overwhelming but like you said I would move mountains for him. I relocated half way across the world for better services for him, just hitting a bunch of walls these days. Breathe, right? 😉
Monique, I am praying for you!
Hang in there Momma, you are doing a wonderful job and the best you can!
My heart hurts for you, your pain and frustration are so strong in your words… But, your love and commitment for your child is what shines past all that.
Praying that you get a break through very soon, your son is so blessed to have you as his Mommy!
My daughter and I live together and are raising her four kids, 2 with special needs. It is a struggle daily but there are 2 of us.
Yes, BREATHE! Please realize you’re doing everything you can for your baby! Hugs and prayers!
I just said today that I feel like I am failing at everything. And I’m worn out. And I’m exhausted. I am trying so hard with testing, Dr’s appointments, prescriptions, getting dianoisis, 504’s etc. and I feel like nothing is changing. My Husband and I suffered through our 13 year old’s tantrum on Friday night, again on Saturday morning and more again today. I guess there is a reason it is called Labor Day!
Very reassuring….thanks for this Ellen, just shared on my wall
Thank you 🙂